muihtil

i keep erasing my posts because they are stupid.

gives me all the more reason to think......

ps. i think i missed a ghost memo?

photographic memory

two speeds,

high and low

two functions

stop and go.

its either or

and there's no in between

its up and down

but its not what it seems

its been low so long

i could hardly see

the cycle that repeats in me.

what triggered this one?

i cannot tell.

but it must have been something

cuz somehow i fell

in to this ocean

where i cant find the surface

my big falling out

cuz nothing seems worth it.

i feel very stuck

in the plainest of words

as i said before

i'm the sky but not the birds.

i feel alive

but not living at all

as repeated again

i'm a pretty china doll.

i want to break this endless curse

i want to

but i don't know what's worse

being addicted

having something i need

or watching these veins

endlessly bleed.

i need some answers

but not to be fixed

i need to try

but i don't want the risk

of being all wrong

and robbed of my reason

don't take my excuse

for that would be treason.

i need a result

but not an experiment

i need some solutions

but wont risk argument.

i know very well

what its all about

and i don't need anyone

to fill me with doubt.

and so i'm afraid

but i cant go on.

i want to see if i'm right

or know that i'm wrong.

no more illusions

no more abandon vs trust

no more freak outs

no more love vs lust.

i want to step forward

as i've tried so much

i need something real

something to touch.

i need to tell my story

in the right way

i need to write something,

something to say!

because everything feels endless

and it all bleeds though

i need to compartmentalize

i need to know what's true!

i need you to help me

ill give you my trust

need you not to get tired

cuz that makes two of us.

i have my perfect picture

in my memory

my beautiful dreams

my personal reverie.

the sight of the street

i want to walk down

the beautiful moments

from when you were around.

i dont want to end this.

neverland.

ill never write again!

you scream in my face

as if your sad scribblings

have taken breaths place.

ill never dream again!

as you slam the door

as so many times

you've done before

every night

before you go to bed

you purge every thought

out of your head

and you wake up

with sweat blotched sheets

and all the anger you find

shows red on your cheeks

ill never bleed again!

as you tear at your skin

releasing every thought

held within

ill never speak again!

as you silently shut down

but i can still hear you

screaming out loud.

ill never dance again!

and that is the biggest pretend.

the words that came out,

you would never defend.

ill never fall again.

this one you'd like to be true

and every doubt

you'd like to see through.

but never say never

because in the end

shouting you'll never

is your biggest pretend.

there are a few places that wont leave my head

my dining room

the auditorium

the phone.

i need to stop being sad.

its really getting in the way of being happy.

pretty pretty pretty

does no one understand that elliott smith is just. SO GOOD.

what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see

that all i want now is happiness for you and me.

quick note : never ever make me think something like that. i couldn't bear it.

we surrendered

but they slaughtered us anyway

and we remembered how distant

the word yesterday

every word of despair and agony

rolled right off our tongues

but for recognition of yesterday

we found none.

i guess in a ghost town

you don't understand

that time passes

with each grain of sand.

we held no significance

to the time passed

we were only here and now

as hours of time elapsed.

everything felt as stuck

as the hooks in our hearts

and our immobility

is what set us apart.

we were not human

we were not man

we were just as disposable

as each grain of sand.

sitting in the hourglass

frozen as ice

no intent to escape

no move is precise.

or is it a snow globe

where we make our pretty war scene

the snow floating around us

to make us more beautiful than we seem.

the falling snow

burns like acid

in our wounds

but we are all quite passive.

we are the undead

we are the in between

we are the living ghosts

we are the unseen

we are the beheaded kings

we are the brothers of the dead

we are the angels without wings

we are the blood that isn't red.

we are the books without words

we are the waiting line

we are the skies without birds

we have stepped out of time.

we are the lost boys

and the lips unkissed

we are the counters of sand

and we do not exist.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2rnmUv/www.abeautifulrevolution.com/blog/love_poems/index.html

i need to keep this safe

fuck

i want you to know

that i wrote a hole page

and threw it out

in uncommon rage.

everything i say

makes me wanna puke

and everything i write

reminds me of the truth.

and nothing i could speak

could make me feel better

because the world injects falseness

in every letter.

i dont know how to feel

in this time of uncertainty

i feel like every solution

is layered with complexity

i dont want to feel

any emotion

when they wash over me

like waves of an ocean

with no fair warning

and no reason why

no explanation,

just high and low tide.

i have no right

to be throwing around words

as if they matter

as if theyre unheard

a selfish being

i believe myself to be

because there is really

nothing wrong with me.

they thing that went wrong

is i was given information

the stuff i can use

to make a good explanation.

and try as i might

ill never conceive

that i have the right

the right to believe

that i need something

that others do not

because i should made do

with all that ive got.

i wish i could be worthy

of anything now

i wish i could move ahead

but i dont know how

i wish i could shut up

and just move on

but i feel about as useless

as the kings forgotten pawn.

i dont make sense

and i dont even try

i wish i could do more

than sit and rely

on people who will leave me

as people always do

because people are just people

and what regina says is true.

cortland

that knife is lookin real pretty

that bottles lookin good

let the pills inside

do what no man could.

it feels better to think this

even if its not true

every day distorted

just to find an excuse

im so sick of writing

im so sick of thinking and feeling and all the shit

and that one small phrase

isnt the common denominator

(is it?)

i used to wonder

why people smiled

even when their heats were broke

and why they laugh

like life is a joke.

but now i have

that twinkle in my eye

and give you

such a sinister good bye.

i go to my room

and laugh for hours

as if i hold

all the worlds powers.

because i feel so special

holding such a big secret

playing the game

how long can you keep it?

do something dangerous

just to feel the thrill

do something unhealthy

just to test your will

never touch a person

so they cant affect you

never look in a mirror

because it will just reflect you.

but a bright pink sticker

on everything you want

lets keep it quiet,

act nonchalant.

lets slam doors,

lets not talk,

we'll draw a line down the middle

with an old piece of chalk

we'll call it even

all said and done

you take the moon

and ill take the sun.

we'll call it even

even when yr dead

even if you froze

to death instead.

you take one

ill take the other

and well walk away

and forget about each other.

"she who is brave is free"

she sleeps with a knife under her pillow

she says to cut the bad dreams out.

she turns on all the water

because she's afraid of drought.

she opens all the windows

because she wouldn't want a flood.

and she never goes outside

because she's afraid she'll slip in mud.

she eats everything well done

so her stomach wont churn.

but she'll never use the stove

because she thinks she'll get a burn.

she'll never use a microwave,

no, thats not the answer.

she doesnt even own one

because shes afraid of getting cancer.

she used to make toast

until she learned of electrocution.

and she will not use an oven

because she thinks it'll cause pollution.

she doesnt dry her hair

because shes afraid of an explosion.

and shes never tasted sugar

because she fears enamel erosion.

she mostly sits inside

and writes pretty stories

about the life she imagines outside

and all of its glories.

she writes in pen

(non toxic of course)

because she heard about lead

and the pencil, its source.

she'd like to see if her stories are true

because no one wants to write lies.

her only wish is to be brave enough

to get up and go outside.

it was

just for yesterday.

just for a day.

so sheets back to black

electric charged arms

stolen from the kitchen

with intention to harm.

remember those sticks and stones?

that break yr bones?

words hit much harder

than a father hits his daughter.

i wish you would

and maybe itd pass

because yr additude

it breaks me like glass.

you say to me

"tell me what would make you happy"

you ask me because

"i so deserve to be"

but i cant be good

at least good enough

im a pre mature diamond

still a little rough.

but the big secret

youll never know

i went beyond repair

a long time ago.

and you say i dont have to

when i know that i do

you try to tell me

"nothing matters but you"

but thats not the way it works

if it did i wouldnt be so hurt.

i wouldnt care

that youll never be proud

and id never cry

like a sky full of clouds.

and id never justify

being all fucked

and id never try

to self destruct.

now i dont want to do this

but i think that i should

maybe youd love me

and maybe id feel good.

its worth a shot

cuz i would do anything

to make me feel

like i amounted to something.

i wish i could talk to you

i wish i could get through

because you are the answer

to numbers one and two.

every word

feels like a lie

because ive got better things

to do with my time

im sorry i tried

and im sorry i cant

and im sorry i write

all the stupid rants.

but i doubt you listen

you never do

two more years,

then im through

im through trying

trying for you

today

today

was

a good day.

last night

was

a good night.

im really glad i came

i had fun today.

im glad we got to hang out a little.

oh. oooooooh. uuum. uh.

actually.

no. no thanks.

you make me happy

whether you know it or not.

third line.

it good, no this is ok

nah its fine its good.

nah really, im glad. its good.

we

never

talk. anymore.

its a shame.

but its ok

cuz i saw that comin.

(you broke your promise)

today was all beautiful and maroon

and everything was so nice and summer is so soon

and i felt ok

just for today

and some stuff made me smile

and i think it was worthwhile.

a few stars for my pocket

a few hopes for my locket.

.. im nice to you

i could make it through..

well lets not be silly!

..........................................................

i just feel like

a ticking time bomb

and we'll never know

if the wires we cut were wrong

till judgement day

till its too late

and we aint got nothin

to use as bait.

cuz the bomb

you see

is in a cage made of ribs

inside me.

and the time's counting down

listen hard, youll hear the sound

bumbum bumbum is that it should be

but tic tic tic is the only sound out of me.

so i stand here all puzzled as the doctor pokes and prods.

and the paparazzi flashes and clicks, all jaw dropped and awed.

and i cant go swimming cuz the bomb pulls me down

and i cant sing cuz i cant make a sound.

i tried to dance but my soul is low

and i tried to tell you, but that failed also.

and then one day

the wick ran out.

and the girl,

she died.

but she didnt scream or shout.

the funeral came about

and the church bells they rang

and they wrote on her grave

"but man, she went out with a bang"

happy birthday, my names jessie desalvia

happy valentinessssssday.

im pretty sure im over being sad cuz im

a

l

o

n

e

every valentines day.

cuz really, i wasnt!

i got panini, tomcat, beccabear, kaitman, kathleenershnitchel, speedy gonzales and gracie westerner.

im all set.

ps. papers basements curiosity salt and wishes.

and i find i kind of funny i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

dreams i call them.

and one thing i love

is waiting under the waves

and the pressure

of every one

collapsing down on me.

saltwater is not different from tears

ambitions are no different from fears.

china doll,

watch it fall

1000 pieces on the ground

beauty shattered all around.

my favorite part was always her red lips.

and everything i miss

and everything i smell

smells the same

and everything i see

is to blame.

.....................

i frequently go to that place

i go just incase

it ever escapes me

though i know it never will

every wish youll never fill..

and i dont care about anything now

but one thing

thats just hearing you sing

because you cant leave me

even if you tried

i have every song playing inside

"A lot of hours to occupy, it was easy

When I didn't know you yet
Things I'd have to forget"

..................................

im watching animals kill each other on tv

and wondering what is happening to me

the moment of calm before life escapes

and the look of glory on the lions face.

is that what you think?

how things should be?

is this what you expect?

the world that you see?

how gentile the lion is to his kind

confuses me to no end.

i guess thats just your choice, king

whos neck would you like to wring?

i guess im no lion

just a measly deer

living my life

on strands of fear.

i spend too much time on

wishing i could be a lion

strong and beautiful

instead of just so damsel.

i just want to be her.

in a world where i cant.

i just want to be big

in the life of an ant.

i wish i was inspired

instead of so envious

i wish i was cured

of this stupid illness.

its really a bummer you know?

feeling like you lost something?

well i suppose you dont

oh i wish..

my dad would get a job

my mom would move out

they both would leave me alone.

my sisters would come home.

i didnt have to stop dancing

i could stop crying.

i could start sleeping

you would get out of my head.

i wasnt tempted with this new propisition.

it was easier to die.

i wasnt so emo.

johnny johnny just get on with yr life

if only i could.

(but fucking up feels right)

so badly i need

a distraction.

______________________________

i miss you

So if fucking up feels right then fuck it up

no computer

no phone

guess what

heheheh fuck you! i have an ipod touch!!!

bitchez

suck my fat cock motha fuckaasss

god damn i love swear words when im mad.

(ps guess what?

im on the computer right now.

i have my phone in one shoe and my ipod in the other.

im also watching your tv.

suck on that)

i need a new direction to get me around

i say i will be better

but i always fall flat on my face

i feel like ive lost

something you cant replace.

and i feel like im falling

in the hole that was left

when that something was ripped out

ripped out of my chest.

i feel like the fall broke my spine

and i cant move a muscle

i can only decline.

and i cant get out

and i can only scream and shout.

i feel so stupid

looking up at the world

i feel like nothing

but a little girl.

i feel like my poetry sticks

and i vomit it out. its only confirming

what everyone already thinks.

little one, you're pathetic.

little one, youre dumb.

she doesnt know

shes just young.

the secret you dont know

ill let you in on

i always feel like this

and i dont know whats wrong.

my good dreams are bad and my bad ones feel good.

in the bad ones i do

what i never could.

in the good ones

im her

in the world made for me

in the good ones im what

you want me to be.

until they all go sour

my hands grab my neck

take away my air

because its all i have left.

i guess theyre all the same

neither good or bad

just reminds me of myself

which makes me feel sad.

i used to go to sleep with hope

that itd help

now i just hope

ill sleep by myself.

i hope i dont see anyone in my dreams

i hope i dont wake up to the sound of screams.

i want to be better

i know that is true

for for the moment

all i can do

is hope for good weather

and spring to come

all i can do

is greet it with the warmest welcome

because maybe it will be better with the sun in my eyes

maybe it will help by making me blind.

maybe i will see past everything now

through a squinted brow.

and just maybe ill get

to go away

and start everything over

like a brand new day.

im a free bitch baby!

im starting to feel.

im starting to wonder.

(scared)

(what will i do)

my heart is starting to feel.

like its

beating

funny.

and i cant

breathe

and i might cry.

and im starting to think.

that

im very

very

scared.

and i miss you.

and its silly,

all the things you let me say?

to you

that

were

wrong.

and now i cant live without the things you let me take

and then took back.

one time i needed you

and now

im scared of the lengths ill go

to fill that hole.

im sorry for you

thats just dumb.

(my heart is hurting

physically

slipping on all this blood

in here)

now im scared.

now ive come down.

now you win.

what will i do

now.

when things happen.

touch my hands.

i keep tripping in the doorway.

twice

i saw you

twice

i freaked out

twice

i went

as far away

as fast

as possible

twice

you saw me break a little.

its ok.

ill never see you again.

i like to think.

i cant breathe

the hole

took the air from my lungs.

and now i cant breathe anymore

and its a struggle i cant win.

there are no words i can say to make the water go away

its a war i dont want to fight

its a fight i dont want to win.

but the animal keeps my legs kicking.

though id rather just open my mouth

and let the water fill the hole

and let the river drag me under.

now i see

"Mondays I sleep away,
Tuesdays I lay awake,
Wednesdays.... are the worst.
Thursdays I reminisce
Friday, I see your face and I can't breathe."

every day i feel different.

some days

i feel ok.

some days i force it.

some days,

there's a hole in my chest.

its like a slap in the face every time though.

of corse i know

and i am ready

but i still have to take the blow.

every day i trip in the doorway

like i ran into glass.

i dont understand what happens

but it must be plain on my face

so i just dont look anymore.

and has the world gone mad?

as if we dont notice?

that a rather large piece of the puzzle is missing?

but what can we do?

what would you like us to do?

because of corse we are only in existence to please

you pigs.

but of corse

i am too afraid

and protecting of my pride

to say a word

out loud.

i like to think of myself as a nice girl

i dont want to be mean.

i dont want to feel like i have to.

id rather not turn my skin into armor.

but i cant see why i wouldnt.

too many examples

ive seen..

who gave you this right?

was it us, did we do something to make you think you had permission to be like this?

no, i dont think so.

i dont understand where it got put in your head that chivalry should die.

when it became ok to act with no regard to others

because its best for yourself.

so what should i do?

do things that feel wrong?

act totally indifferent to you?

act totally rude to you?

i suppose i should just be spitting back out whatever you give me.

but then

whats the point at all.

i love being there for you

or at least trying.

i try so hard

to be the best i can for the people in my life.

but it seems.

they just leave me.

but whatever.

i should keep in mind

they were only temporary.

life is only temporary.

tell me why

now all I need is an apology
but damn that’s too much!

i guess im excited

for my new house

but im scared too.

hmm

i just hate waiting

if things are happening i want them to happen

i want to decorate right now.

but it will be weeks, months.

and i want my car.

(as if i can drive it)

im just sick of being here

its too tense.

but in reality i think im just sick of winter and of school.

i want freedom and summer.

(i. want. NYSSSA!!)

ps.

khkjdjfnekjmd

ihatethisihatethisihatethis

i wishwishwishwish

i didnt

missmissmisssssss

i wish i didnt feel live ive been wronged.

everything ive said still stands.

but its out the window now.

http://www.cnyhomes.com/Listing/Search/info.cgi?mlnum=S200967

out with the old in with the new

over prepared to the point of numbness

i suppose life is a stage and im the actress.

putting on the show, singing along

bullshitting the fuck out of every song.

corsets keep my insides in

powder my cheeks, keep the house dim.

delivering every line

in perfect time.

the monologue means nothing to me.

the perfect facade,

the audience applauds.

they all are fooled,

ive fulfilled the rule.

enjoy the moment

moment in the sun

because backstage

it all comes undone.

"put on a happy voice for me"

dont break the rules.

dont let them see.

put honesty second,

force product first.

be just what we ask of you,

perform as rehearsed.

carry the world atop your shoulders

you musnt waver

under the boulder.

you musnt break

no, not again

you must keep it in

you must pretend.

you cant let them view

dont let them see though.

you must hide

the train wreck inside.

they blame themselves

for the pain self inflicted

you must be strong

at least as depicted.

theyve got enough

enough on their plate

no need to need to complain

no need to translate.

so put on your costume

pin up your hair

apply your make up

but your feelings elsewhere.

all you can do is tell the ultimate lie.

the best you can do i just to deny.

go lights, go music

take a deep breath

fake it thorough this.

I better be quiet now
I'm tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on, getting upset

Wish I knew what you were doing
Why you want to do it this way
So I can't go the distance
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away