i want to write something good again.

i want to run.




i want to drink.
i dont want to think.


i want to type anything
that means something
for someone else.
i dont want to be about myself.


and ive made these rules
that have done no good
everything worked out
exactly how it would
it would for me


every move is wrong.
everything ive done
blood on my hands.
and you dont understand.


you touched me then
on the birth of a new chapter
there was nothing i could have known
not until after.


it was good then
and that was it
now your stories got me feelin sick.


yeah you got to read it
on my face
quite a novel
but all over the place.


you rip out the pages
after yr done
and ill put them back together
one by one.


word by word
and i mean nothing
they were only words
no use fussing.


driving in cars
sitting in chairs
standing in sweaters
that no one wears.


and so do you want to talk
and ill freak out out
and ill want to run
thats what im about
get me high
make me scared
get drunk
then tell me you cared.

AND YOU THINK I OUGHT TO SHAKE YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HAND??

"are you okay?"


"no"


"whats wrong?"


"all of it"


"whats wrong?"


"i dont know. i dont know."


I wish I had you.
I wish I had you.
Whoever you are.
I need you tonight.
I wanted to ask you to go with me
to the park
or maybe the radio towers
and just be outside for a while.
Maybe if I was really daring
I would talk.
Maybe if we talked I might cry
because I need to.
I wish I had you now
when I feel like running away.
I didn't lie to you
that time
when I couldn't do it alone.
and when you made your promises.
Promises are just shattered glass that sever the heart.
That time isn't over.
The time where I can't do it.
Nothing has changed
except that my words are hollow in the wind.
I have a hole in my dream catcher
and a block in my brain.
Promises I really needed to be kept.
I was afraid, I needed you.
I am afraid, I need you.
There's nothing left for me here.
Abandon.
I really needed them to be kept.


ps someone else post something so that i may read something

Sugar lick me up, its my lie

You have no forgiveness
No attention left to pay
The quiet way you leave
And just forget it all
Just takes my breath away
How's that supposed to make me feel?
Yeah, well, how am I supposed to feel?


Is it destruction
That you're required to feel?
Like somebody wants you
Someone that's more for real

yeah well how am i supposed to feel?


everything is all weird.
everything is wrong.
but i dont feel sick
no not sick
just sad
"Shine on me, baby
Because it's raining in my heart"


the golden hour, playing god.
save those for later.


i want to write something good again.


I've been thinking a lot.
I've been listening to elliott smith.
I've been adding and subtracting.
Figuring what to do with this.
I've been taking in lots of water.
I've been tumbling in the waves.
I've been wondering how to feel
and how to behave.
I was wondering what you think?
Do you wonder about me?
I've been wishing for more
a little more, honestly.
I've been dreaming for your arms
to hold me just real quick.
I've been dreaming of a breath
or maybe a little kiss.
But I've been putting away my dreams
one thread after another.
I've been sewing my cocoon.
I've been trying to take cover.
And it's all in my brain.
It's just the way I came.
Your perfect china doll
who isn't perfect at all.
I think it was a mistake.
I could have had more.
But I think about it.
Who was I before?
And now I have nothing

but an image that I don't understand

I had what I wanted

and I let it go by

because of my ignorance

and for my pride.

Now humility has come

and taken my lies.

Except that one,

the one I despise.

And now you're gone.

It will never be the same.

It was a mistake

and I'm the one to blame.

15

ohmygoodness
stressed
the
fuck
out.

im drowning

dance9
dance9
honorsociety
bmore
bmore
bmore
bmore

math
chem
apworld

ihate mymomshouse ihatethewayeverythingis ihate it when my sister cries.
ihate itwhen hes here andwhen he calls.
ihate how he controls you andhow our family is ruined.
ihate it here even if its better than moms ihate the verbalabuse.
idont have parents idont have afamily ihave nicole and sierra
ihate thinking about people leaving ihate the thought of living here withoutyou.
ihate not being able totalk toyou about it iwish i could tell you everything thats happened while you were away.
ihate the way ifelt that night and ihated feeling it again lastnight.
ihate looking down kensingtonplace.

behind the house there was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the word cunt written on it in giant letters and now we have that

good weekend.
strange vibes?
strange phone call.
no response..

pretty dresses
made up skirts
images images
youyouyou
shirtless

a song i never want to hear again.

i think one day ill meet you
you mystery

i have driven up there once a week
for the past 4 months
driven right up there on the gravel even though its one of my least favorite noises
and ive gotten out of the truck
and ive struggled to close the door a little bit but id never show it
as if anyone else was looking anyway
and so i trompedtrompedtromped through the woods
sometimes on my bike
even though im not so good at bike riding
and thats something ive always done with you
ive always done it because you liked it.
and because you were good at it.
sometimes i would bike regardless.
and the mud sometimes splattered up off the wheel
and got my clothes muddy.
and even when i waked on those days my shoes would get muddy.
you remember how i liked to wear those old teen vogue shoes?
and how they broke every time?
i lost a sole of one of those shoes there and never got it back.
anyway i would tromptromptromp through the woods
across all those dirt hills
and id go up and up as far as i dared
closer to the sun
and stand right out on the edge where my mother would have snatched me back and took me home.
id stand close enough that i strong wind would have tumbled me down to my death.
id look down at all the layers of rock
a circle staircase that looked like a dried up lake.
i would look across at the rusty remains of a car
and try to think up how it got there.
sometimes i would pick up some rocks and throw them
i would throw them hard
as if they were going anywhere but down.
and then i would stand and scream
as if my voice had a chance against the wasteland.
i would scream at you
and in your absence
and i would cry and yell until i couldnt anymore.
then i would stand
and look over the edge
dare myself to jump
pick up one foot and then the other
and at the point where normal humans felt fear
i felt nothing.
because you arent here.

ZIIIIIIING!

THANK GOD YOURE BACK!
oh my goodness im not crazy.
i missed you i missed you.

bmore this weekend
mom this weekend.

champs next weekend
dad next weekend.

SISTERS EVERY WEEKEND!

you hurt my feelings i am disrespected
you hurt my feelings i am hurt
you confuse me i am afloat
you know me i am safe
you dont know me i am confused
you know how to deal with me i am frustrated
you dont need me i am jealous
you forget me i am abandoned
you need to see me. now. i am lost.

oh dear oh dear what a year what a year
another beer, dear?
no i cant see clear!
oh! youll hit a deer! immobilized with fear!
can you even steer?
the deer is coming near!
youll hit it in the rear!
then death will appear
and ill cry a small tear
no no dear, not another beer.
i need you to be here.

*excuse the interruption, in tonights production of "Shithole Syracuse" Jessie DeSalvia will be taking the roles of:
Daughter
Wife
Mother
Adult
and
Child
Thank you, it might get a little messy*

yr a stupid bitch (shes a stupid bitch)

I DO NOT HAVE ONE SECOND OF FREE TIME

im sorry, jessie desalvia is not available at the moment. call back on june 24th.

if you want to
you got the green light

i know you better than this
i could be there when you call
ill make you top of the list
and in the crush of the dark
ill be the light in the mist
i can see you burnin with desire for a kiss..

dancedancedancedance
lovelovelovelove

you are enough for me

i have my secret!!



Fake concern says, "What's the matter, man?"
And you think I ought to shake your motherfucking hand
Well, I know how much you care

SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE!

so many things i could say
but i dont feel like it.

im everyones bitch
i love DAS
im out of town the next two weekends
im really upset about SU
i had a very good weekend
i feel too busy to function
but i cant function any other way

what you want:

_______________________(?)


you have to:
move
fix it
forget it
give it up
finish it
focus
forget it
make it up
forget it!
go back
forget
be it
for get

you have:
no plan of action
an unignorable desire
a tendency of self destruction
a stubborn will to disobey
mistakes made a million times over.
photographic memory.
that image..

you dont:
want it
feel it
need it
dream it
miss it
forget it
hate it
see it
like it
love it
remember it
you dont remember it.

everywhere i go, damn there i am!

im sick of myself, i wish i would leave me alone now.

sitting here sulking because i dont understand math.

i dont have anything to say to you.

i have so many things i wish i could say to you

there are so many things i wish you would say to me.

i wish you didnt say that, it makes me feel like something is wrong.

there is no right way to ask someone for that.....

my fault for snooping.

my fault.

getting hard not to touch that bottle. maybe just once

i <3 you

its never really over

i wish...

today heres what i did

thought about 4 times

remembered them all as best i could

rated them from best to worst

this is sad.

today i remembered one thing.

and now it doesnt make me so angry anymore.

im not mad anymore.

though it was true

for a long time

but

i dont any more.

have to> should do> want to?

want to> have to> should do?

should do> have to> want to?

and i know, its never really over

ps. traviss couch, red blanket

ITS OVER ITS OVER ITS OVER!!

he loves the shit out of her

i will go to bed because there is nothing left for me here!

birthdaybirthdaybirthday?

If they could part the sand from the sea
They never could part my love from me

theyres nothing left for you here my dear, its all in paris!

i know your busy, i know im just one, but you might be the only one who sees me

im saving you the best way i know how

i am emotionally drained!

i am physically pained!

i am stressfully strained!

i am fried in the brain!

said 3 words

never will again

im nothing but truth

no time to pretend

so i dont pretend

i only lie

but i am so happy

willing to try!

keep it afloat

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

12

youll be ok after that.

sheets

garter straps

exhale

snip snap

hair in her eyes

soft lips

quiet cries

hands on her hips

feel touch kiss press

erotica,

you know the rest.

i got a hat.

floofy

im sorry.

im sorry my life just spills out on everyone elses lives

and that i cant shut up

and that i wont shut up

im so sorry

that i need to purge everything

and it all ends up here

and i talktalktalktalktalktalk

and i cant keep it in

any of it.

im so sorry.

im a selfish brat.

im sorry i need to much help.

im sorry i text you.

im sorry i write these.

im sorry i think

all the time

about everyething

over

and over

and

over.

im sorry everything is dead.

im sorry i cant let go.

that i refuse.

im sorry everything is such a big deal.

im sorry my feelings are spilling over the top.

im sorry my conversations are so one sided.

im sorry i over react.

im sorry even now.

apologizing to the ghosts.

im sorry i dream.

im sorry i speak.

im sorry i write.

im sorry i get so frustrated and that i cant handle anything.

im sorry im a weak piece of shit

and that i cant keep it in

and i cant play pretend

so i let it all spill over and shit on everyone.

im so sorry.

im sorry i even wrote this.

maybe ill delete my blog.

i just want to crawl back in whatever hole i came out of

and be quiet again

forgive me

ill try to shut up.

i feel like a piece of shit.

sorry.

thats the last ill complain.

youve been a mess..

i

am

in

control.

tis good.

i am in control

i wont give you control

i am awake

i dont know what to do.

but i have the means to do it all.

ugh such a responsibility in being happy.

sometimes it feels nice to give up give her up give up her now.

chillrealx

buzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzz

moremoremoremoremoremoremorEmoremoremore

i neeeeed

i feeeed

buzzbuzzbuzzmoremoremorehungerhunger

drink up baby

i am thirsty for you

i am eager to push you away.

im hungry for the world.

the more you do the more you do.

i want that super human feeling.

takingineverything

moremoremoremoremoremore

drinkdrinkdrinkdrink

livelivelivelovelive

toomuchtoomuchexcessexcessmoremore

i might love anybody, and yours seems good.

give me one i can fill up with all this love shooting from my fingertips.

9:9 ratio

things i care about: (not in order)

writing

dancing

day dreaming

eating

clothes

hair

love

art

music

things i dont care about:

sleep

school

cleaning

politics

ap tests

college

getting a job

calenders

alarm clocks

looks like all the things i have to do are the things i could care less about. hmm..

it is so hard for me.

lets blame my parents for this evening.

tomorrow it can be the weather. or the generation. or the media.