eat yr veggies

gahhhhhh.

yr lame. just leave.

idk. i just wanna cry now that youre gone come back.

the next few weeks are going to be hell.

i wish i could get my fucking head out of my ass and try to do well in school.

i dont even wanna try anymore.

it makes me sick how i am.

whyyyy.

cant.

i.

get over myself.

and fuckin take care of my life.

idk.

idkidkidkidk.

no amount of help can get me on track.

i think this is just the way it is right now.

im scared.

i feel like ill never get out of my rut.

not because things wont get better

but because

of the way i am

i feel like

i will continue to think my life sucks

even if it doesnt.

i just get pissed off for no reason.

my whole life is gonna get fucked up.

cuz im not trying.

and im so pessimistic.

and i dont wanna do anything right now.

im fuckin stupid

about everything

baaaaaah.

nope

not

nevermind

screwed

fucked

fucked

fucked

fucked

am i supposed to be like this?

or am i just being a fucking baby

and i need to suck it the fuck up.

and get good grades. and go to sleep.

and eat my veggies.

god damn.

there aint nothin to dream.

i dont wanna think

about it.

i wish they didnt care.

and i wouldnt have to feel bad.

and i could do what i want.

i cant think. i cant think. i dont know what i even want. one thing. maybe that. but i cant live there.

ohohohohohohononononononono.

stop it.

youre freaking out.

over nothing.

get a

life.

go to

the fucking store

go to the life section

pick out one

a fucking one

where you dont sit on your ass

and feel bad.

and then get it.

and try it on.

guess what?

yes

im blogging

bl

ogging

instead of getting my fucking life together

and i dont even wanna stop.

i dont even know what to do

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

ok

bye.

most used words: "im" and "sorry"

the world is falling

apart.

i cant handle it.

the amount of pain i feel for everyone around me.

makes me sick when i think about my own.

im worried about you. i really am. i dont think you know that im here and i dont mind. dont feel bad. thats what im here for.

im sorry. i cant believe her. (i secretly never liked her and i didnt understand why you did.)

i dont get you. you are immature and really douchey. dont abandon me. and dont run away from me and not give me a reason why. i dont even know why i care. maybe its cuz i trusted you. and that doesnt happen often. maybe cuz i gave you a big chance, i gave you a lot of pieces of me by the way. thanks for leaving me.

im sorry it worked out that way. i think you'll figure it out. i hope so.

i hope youre doing alright. i feel like shit because im too scared to talk to you. im so sorry. i dont know why i feel like i cant handle it. you are one of the best people for me to trust and i keep pushing you away. its painful to talk to you about it, maybe it makes it too real. but in turn it makes me not able to be there for you. im so sorry. i know im being awful.

if you could just let me be not ok right now, that would be great. sometimes you really stress me out. i guess you just dont get it. or maybe that stick is so far up your ass you dont have time to think about it. but im not ok, so just back off.

hey. hi, i know you dont mean anything by it. but even tiny little things like that hurt my feelings. ever since she said you said that ive been thinking about it and trying to figure out if i did anything wrong. ive gone through it a million times and i cant find anything. if i did do something wrong im sorry. but i hope youve let it go by now because i cant handle any more little things. im sorry. just say something to me next time.

im sorry that i dont really let you talk to me about it. i just feel like if i did and something happened i would be to blame. i just dont want to get in between anything. idk. maybe im crazy. maybe im paranoid, im just worried.

im really sorry about everything thats going on. i hope you two can work it out. honestly (im so sorry) i dont think it will last. but i hate seeing you torn up about it. im sorry.

i feel bad, but im not sorry for you. im mad at you. i dont really wanna be around you. i just sit in the car with you and think about it. and youre trying to be all cute and make stupid jokes and bond with me. im sorry, i wish i was sierra but i cant. i cant pretend to be all happy with you or whatever. im glad you usually leave me alone. im so sorry. that sounded awful. but im mad. and im not ready to be happy yet, even if you are. and i know im supposed to want you to be happy, i know i do in actuality. but i just dont think its fair.

im sorry. i know you need me and i know you want me to just spill my guts. i cant do it. im sorry. it hurts. i know you wish i would and i know you would understand and i know you would say and do the right things but i just cant. im sorry im not being there for you. i feel worse for you than anyone else in this situation but im too weak to handle it. im sorry.

i know i dont talk to you nearly enough. but i think were good. i really love you. i cant wait until a point when everything settles down and i can see you more. i dont want you to ever forget that you mean a lot to me.

im exited to see you but i dont want this week to suck. i dont want to be sad all weekend. lets just have fun, k?

laundry and dinner.

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhale.....I'm beyond belief..........inhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhale.....in the help I require.....inhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhale.....just to exist at all..........inhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleTook a long time to standinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhale.....Took an hour to fall.....inhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale

its ok.

im scared shitless.

i need you.

its ok.

Nobody broke your heart, you broke your own cuz you can't finish what you start

i feel really guilty.

and ive been blaming a lot on myself.

because i know im different.

and i know im busy.

and i know i cant be there all the time.

and i do feel bad, im not lying.

but the way i make myself feel like shit all the time is really hurting me.

i shouldnt have to feel bad because im doing something that makes me happy.

something in the midst of how shitty this year is going.

im sorry im not perfect

and maybe i havent been giving you all my time.

but im not ok.

and maybe im figuring out a lot of stuff on my own.

and i dont want to change

but i have no choice right now.

i feel bad. a lot.

but i cant do it.

i cant even figure out my own crap right now

im not thinking about other people as much as id like to.

but i just cant.

im in a place where i have to be a little selfish.

and i know this all sounds like bull shit to you.

like wtf do i need to be so sad about?

but sorry.

cant help it.

if youd like to tell me what i should do

go ahead

cuz i have no fucking idea.

ps. im sick of this blog bullshit. if you have something to say, please just say it. otherwise im going to stop reading. if thats what you like, cool with me. let me know.

pss. ok, i just re read this and it sounds really mad. but im not going to delete it. because i think its most honest in how it came out unedited.