You'll be okay, anyway. And I smiled cuz I'd known it all the while

im not really into that whole "new year, new me" shit.
its kinda a one day at a time approach for me.
or rather, one moment at a time?


of course there is things i want from this year.
but wishing for them isnt going to get them.


i dont really want to get my hopes up for anything to happen.
this year was pretty shitty. but 2009 may have been worse.


im generally pretty happy. im not thriving, but i have a handle on my life.
the cycle of having really bad things happen immediately following really good things is still going strong.


my hair is in a good place.


i really really love some of my friends.
i mostly hate everyone hahaha. except the people that i love. its not okay.


i can remember everything without pain. but i still cannot listen to that song. i will never be able to.


i am both scared and excited for everything that is coming.
im about to turn 17 and that seems really old. like. wayyy to old compared to all i havent accomplished.
i want to be famous.


thinking about things like this summer and college, getting a job getting a licence and getting a car, trying to accept new people, trying to figure out why im not happy about the places i live, trying to let people figure out things for themselves, thinking about creative collaboration, thinking about creating, thinking about SATs and regents, thinking about june, about visiting new york, auditions and decisions, thinking about sexuality, about sex in an objective way, detaching feelings and facts, thinking about food and wanting to be thinner looking and also how absurd that notion is, feeling bad for wanting glamour, wanting to be in love.


trying to be like brooke in life
trying to be like bridget in dance
always acting like julia
always wanting to spend time with carina
always being jealous of marissa
wishing i had the work ethic of lauren
wishing everyone found me as funny as nina does.


its okay to be whoever you are. its okay to like the music on the radio. its okay to want to make out with people other people dont find attractive. its okay to be a dog person. its okay to be really into beef jerky. its okay if yr on bc for no reason. its okay if something normal was traumatizing. its okay to have mixed sexuality. its okay if you just want to experience things in yr head. its okay to have anxiety about things like ordering food and spaces youve never been in. its okay to need a game plan. its okay to throw the game plan out the window. its okay to love the way you look completely but sometimes wish you were different. its okay to think a lot of different things in your head that you dont say. its okay if yr not up on all the music you like. its okay to only listen to a few songs. its okay if you believe in things other people dont. its okay if youre the only one laughing at yr joke. its okay to feel any way you want and be honest about it. its okay to cut people out. its okay to do what you gotta do. its okay to not like people for no reason. its okay to not talk about things that make you upset. its okay if you dont cry anymore. its okay to change yr mind. its okay if yr love is just for yourself.

I watch you making mistakes. I wish you luck, I really do. With the problem, with the puzzle, whatever's left of you.



im trying so hard to hold my tongue but honestly im biting it off.
me sitting here not being able to say anything to the people in my life that are making huge mistakes because its "not my place."
me trying to fucking build a wall, me making my life a better place.
but i cant.
all these idiot people! i wish there was a way i could help but its useless.
i can not say anything to anyone.
because things are weird.
half these idiots are my family. the other half are.. not.
so i cant say a word about it.
but i sure wish someone who could would.



Jacqueline was being such a big girl with her cup of tea looking out of the window.

but it gets so complicated!


EVERYONE I FUCKING HATED IS IN THIS ROOM!



i need to get away

DON'T FOLLOW ME HOME.
DON'T FOLLOW ME HOME.

NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU.




i dont know why i lied to her.
i used to lie to her all the time.
id lie about everything. littlle things. anything.
only to her.
to hear it made her awful sad.
she used to believe me and thats when it was good.
lies get that way.
that way things do.
things get fucked. and someone needs to fix it.
she was so sad.
she always found out.
i dont know why i lied to her.


hospial bed was the most comfortable place for her.
hospital gowns always looked best on her.
she prefered everything white.
because white doesnt lie to her.
white walls white sheets white light.
white is white in day or night.
white is just white.
white was alright.
i didnt like visiting her because she looked thin and safe.
she lived there and she was comfortable.
she was not okay but she was not sick.
when she was told to leave she stopped eating. so she stayed.


and now know how she felt.
this was years ago.
when i was a kid and she was a chance.
and now i understand.


i threw up.
at the football game.
i was lucky, the team had just scored.
the fans were screaming and everyone was clapping.
there was a band playing as i leaned over the trash can.
thank god i made it.
it was a strange feeling having everyone cheering while you vomit.
it made it many times less notacable though.
for a split second before i bolted down the bleachers i didnt know what to do.
i didnt want to sit back down next to you, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and stupidly grin at you.
i imagined your face right before you got up and walked away from me.
so i bolted down the bleachers.
i sat under the stands where the kids smoke weed.
i was dry and alone and that seemed good.
you probably thought i went to the bathroom to continue the up chuck so that bought me some time.
i sat and thought about how much of an idiot i must have looked like.
i tried to formulate a plan of how i was going to return when i felt a vibration in my pocket.
call.
from you.
in a moment like that something like the send button doesnt seem all that trivial anymore.
did i even want to go back?
was it even worth it to leave the dry aloneness of the bleacher's underbelly?
the thought of you kissing him almost made me puke again.
dry.
alone.
right now that sounded better.
all these thoughts in a matter of two rings.
i stared down at you, the icon on my phone and imagined looking at myself in that moment.
the glow of light on my face, shoulders hunched over with my hands shaking, feet clearly soaked.
third ring.
i imagined you flashing your smile as you walked out like you were proud of what youd done.
fourth ring.
nineteen seconds.
twenty four seconds.
thirty seconds.
fifth ring.
i looked down at my feet.
clearly soaked and i immediately felt an overwhelming sense of coldness.
it felt like my spine had turned into ice and was now folding in on itself slashing my vital organs.
my hands were stiff one at my side one clutching my phone.
it felt like my spine had eaten my heart and coldness was everywhere.
anticipation.
sixth ring.
his hands touching you.
waiting.
vomit.
youve gone to voicemail.
who tells someone something like that at a football game?
cheater.


i dont know why i lied to her.

ALL I WANT NOW 

IS HAPPINESS FOR YOU AND ME.

losing concept of time. teas gone cold between the pot and the cup. mouth to the spout instead fill the void with heat. lips on porcelain sucking painting a picture in a creepy sigmund freud kind of way. swallowing hot sugar water brings a sense of relief. more sugar more sugar. caffine its personal. faces are ticking and the sound is too important but watching the lights dim minute by minute makes more sense. minutes tick by and yr life is ending. a tall candle is lit to make time shift more slowly and make death smell like cookies and vanilla. the heat is turned up to allow us to be naked in december and not encased. naked unshaven unkept bodies lay ontop of covers in december. naked uninterested untouched bodies lay in seductive postitions while black feet being rinsed in the bathroom and scrubbed left uncleaned and fragrant. homophobic offense and anger bubbles up while being afraid to look like a lesbian stereotype. bisexualtiy, heterosexualtiy, haircuts. sexual actions and wishes while dreams and feelings stay unrepresented. homophobic prick. bitten cuticles asking to scream out "I AM A LESBIAN." but im not a  lesbian. ill be impressed by the better sex (cuz thats what you do best). and dont try to act so subtle. you are not a child! i am not impressed. by the 'better sex.' cream and sugar because its not okay to be thin. video tape through my glasses so you can see through my world. when my legs rub together at night under the covers. when i look in the mirror i see passion.

the dog days are so over

We can take it slow, stop me if you want.

are you where you want to be?

t h a t  g i r l  s h o u l d  h a v e  b e e n  a  m a n s i o n

I AM A MANSION

I AM A MANSION








You will be asleep before I've taken off my shirt

I've stopped my dreaming, I won't do too much scheming these days

i feel like i have something important to say but i dont.




Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.


and no one can take that away from you

One day, one day, we'll get it together

so much love

i want to:


be badass
spend more time outside
keep secrets
never make promises
have the upper hand
forget about everyone else, nothing matters
have step up the aesthetics. outfits, hair, home decor, pen tattoos (little secrets that keep the day going)
L.E.T.I.T.S.W.A.Y.




PS. today i roared like a lion in the crazy shuffle that is nottingham halls and no one even noticed. it was great.

i wish i was more oppinionated and less emotional

this is what the rest of my life looks like. tv dinners and tea in cool bowls

i miss that night

some things are good




 


some food you just have to photograph

 

sometimes busses are a fun place for friends and photos

some places you never forget

YOU WOULD JUDGE

try not to cut yr hair
last night you told me you cant remember how to feel free






Do you, want to touch it?



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH






You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed


You don't have to suck dick to succeed
































i hate being single.

im not doing so well

i have ruined everything.
there is no one left.
and this time around there is nothing i can say
I WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING
what if it wasnt just problems
and now what if its not just a mood
and you have to say HEY something is wrong.
how long does something have to go on for it to be concidered long term?
and can you have breaks in between?
i want to convince myself that it feels good
when you lay and feel pain just washing over
again
and you know clearly
relief is not coming.

but i am wayy too damn guilty this time around
there are somethings in my life that make me feel soooo good
hahahahaa, dont you move an inch.

but some things.
i dont feel sick.
i just feel sad.
i dont even get to have the high anymore.
the power and the danger shooting veins.
now its all eyes.
and i know so much better.

no one is going to call yr name
and no one is going to wake you up!

she said wake yrself up, take yr place in the world
take yr rightful place
i just want to be free

escape,escape,escape

DONT LET SOMEONE PUT YOU IN A BOX

sometimes kate nash really does help




i feel like she would be someone who gets what im trying to say when im going crazy
i feel like we would get mad at each other sometimes though.


its hard trying not to be what people tell you you are.
and trying to be someone people tell you yr not.


itsssssssss hard to feel responsible for my overbearing family
and i feel like they are waiting for me to tell him to get his shit together


I CAN NOT
deal with it anymore.


i am done with this part of my life.
im sorry. i can not save us anymore...


BUT I THINK SHES A BITCH.

YR STUPID

EVERYONES STUPID


LIFE IS STUPID.


YR STUPID.


everything is stupid.










country music doesnt fix everything.


i am unhappy in high school




i wanna work the corners and get addicted to heroin and have get pregnant and clean up my act and move to montreal and go to concordia and life a life that means something and  have a girl and name her gwyneth and make her clothes with my hands and get a job and make enough money to get by and continue shopping at the salvo and eating bread and fruit and hot cocoa and teach gwyneth how to be amazing and let her be free

its awkward when its all gone.

If you cant help it then just leave it alone

yeah, just forget it. its really easy.

its gonna be alright

"i love hot water and i love the way you look in autumn!"

Everyone wants me to ride into the sun
But I ain't going to go down





i dont actually have anything to say.


i need: 
a new scent.
new hair.
you back!








thissucksthissucksthissucksthissucksthissucks
but not enough for it to be a problem
no problem=
no solution=
thissucksthissucksthissucksthissucksthissucks

mark johns/andre jordan type stuff

and now

i feel like the objective of my life is to take handle things gracefully
be tactful
protect
be level headed
be calm
be graceful



                                                                      later on ill cry my stupid eyes out.



like when Jamien begs me to wait there till my mom came in to get me.
"is yauri gonna a come in?"
"just give me a kiss, star of the day. maybe next time."

fearless, boundless, graceful

have taste
have class
TAP DAT ASS

what just happened

No regrets. No regrets.

lets never meet.

i bet yr used to having things in yr mouth - dentist day quote

yay! yay! yay! 


sometimes even crippling back pain is a good thing.










yeah i make hats and my dentist thinks i have exquisite enamel. WUT.

even if no one else in the world thinks im exquisite, i will take solace in the fact that my dentist does.

im not worried about who you think i am

sometimes just repeating the things i wish were true helps. 
i say it until i believe what i want to believe.
fearless
fearless
fearless
fearless
i am. 














later on ill cry my stupid eyes out. later on im crying like a baby.

greater than dirt. less than wolf.

insignificant
is how i feel
and stupid
for thinking i knew.


i just sit here crying like a baby
with some character who used yr name
increasing the tension in my shoulders
and apologizing between breaths 


because
i cant
be 
fearless


all the time.
and i 
am not.
boundless


on the one hand
80%
on the other
round down: zero.


cry my stupid eyes out
you cant be fearless all the time
with such a deep need for reassurance
i refuse to believe my eyes unless im told.


sitting here bawling with characters of people 
just to keep them alive
when me
in real life, the actual me
has taken (round down) zero effect
on the real life, actual you.


dont make me feel like i missed out.
you missed out, too.








i miss you so much.

i decided on infp

INFP

creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

THANK YOU MR. T LITTLE!

matt&kim<3

just wanna know you! whats wrong with that?!

join me as i change the sheets on my bed
join me where i was sometimes
i know how to run away
i go out to commit my crimes


its good
i liked it when i feel like now
its not a word
its a taste in my mouth


if you listen you can hear it
that sound in my ears
my mind screams
but not at fears


im just who i am!
whats wrong with that?
it doesnt matter who you fool
you always go back


i was little
but i wasnt someone else
when i grow up
i want to be myself


i think you forgot
that im already gone
im sorry you forgot
to say so long


*


sneezing is like an orgasm
kissing is like a test
swinging is like an orgasm
kissing is wet


i like the taste
of things that dont exist
i like fake fruit
i like lips


i like feeling
like a touch
i like covers
(and pillows and such)


your spit was a code
a code that said "okay"
my spit had a code
mine said "no way"


when you say "sheets"
i think "owls"
when you say "sad"
i think "chocolate"

its just a little fucked up. thats all.

GOD DAMNIT.
ITS JUST A LITTLE FUCKED UP.





its so fucked up.

i sometimes pretend to be lonely but i dont think thats true

its about time i start learing french

:)

I AM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY












(it still makes me nervous to admit it)

on the inside, this is what i look like

you say you dont know me but you really do
i dont know everything but i know the truth
she gave me eyes so i could see through clouded doubt
but i just cried so she ripped them right out

__________________

so put on yr backpack
yr feet in a puddle.
turn over yr hourglass
and go lookin for trouble.
shes making her plans
as she whispers to me
"we all go down
eventually"
shes gone like a ghost
to places i wont go
she told me secrets
i didnt want to know.
she made me promise
things i cant provide.
she knows her way
she finds what i hide.
she tells me what to do.
she feeds me my line.
around my neck
she keeps my time.

No one's going to fool around with us

"Total Freedom"...

i am liberated.

every night i do this.

every night i do this.
i think of it all and imagine myself getting up to write it down.
and i dont.
and i sleep and forget.

every night i do this.
i see hope or fear (often both).
every night i love
every day i remember.

every day i remember.
today i thought
when asked
about
freedom.
and i remembered. and cried.
ill never be there again.

the threes dont light
i see no stars
in the daytime
the sun is the only star i see.
i sleep before the others arrive
because in reality
they are a memory
of what used to be.

what used to be was nothing special
and thats just it.
you dont know freedom till youve lost it.

give me what i want.
do not let me be spoiled
to not let me be hard
i do not believe in hope.

i am not unhappy.
i am not unkind.

i do not want the default.

i never have believed in hope.
i once believed in love.
i do believe in lust.
i am not bitter.
i do not believe in love.

IM SOOO EXCITED THAT YR COMING!!!!!!





ps: im really glad to have met you.
     i want you to be happy.

im in it for the love of the game

"there is no dance more interesting than a human being"
-carolyn adams <3

BIG DAY

tomorrow is the best day ever

#1!!!!
master class with ROBERT BATTLE!!!!

#2
lec/dem!!!!

#3 KARLS BREAD!

#4 FACULTY SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jessie desalvia

is livin her life

(ayayayayay)

and all that shit.

what a biddy

MEETING MY OBSESSION SAM TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg i so excited.
i hope he wears his glasses.
i love him.
i stalk him.
i know everything about him.
i want him.
hes a biddy.
GOTCHA GET YOU INTO MY LIIIIIFEEEE!

jacobs pillow = where i belong.

you cant have me cant have me cant have me back

ericas class was everything i ever want to do.

i wanna sit here and cry about battleworks being gone but im also so proud of robert for aliey.

AUDITIONS TOMORROW. SHOOT ME.

i reaaaaalllly reallly really wanna work with danny grossman.

or jude<3<3

or carolyn.

so ive got a pretty good chance of working with one of them.

dannys piece is for 18 (yesyeysyeysyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes)

and im soo excited.

ALSO.

 have a crush on jude and hes everything i could ever want in a man and more.

ALSO.

carolyn adams setting a new piece??!!!

like jesus please let me be in it.

but anyway working with maggie or laura or ERICA would be amazing too.

soo excited. 

at about midnight tomorrow we'll find out.

madia will torture us until then.

im improving my solo tomorrow :x!