havent blogged in a while

lets go running.

lets go screaming!

onetwothreefourfive

six years out the door.

onetwothreefourfive

six years

you left me wanting so much more.

i feel super weird today.

weird as in different.

i dont feel like dying quite so much today.

i almost cried but i just blasted music instead.

i feel special.

i feel like something is coming.

i feel anticipation and eagerness and fear and excitement.

i feel like when you are a little kid and you get a new toy

and you have to leave it at home when you go to grandmas

but youre just thinking about it the whole time youre there.

i feel a little unsure.

i feel a lot guilty.

i dont regret anything.

i feel a little happy.

im thinking a lot about yesterday.

never felt like that.

it was weird.

im wondering if somewhere along the morning i made up a lie.

hmm i dont think so.

i do hope not.

i like it even if it is a lie.

ive got kinda that untouchable feeling.

(that will last a day)

i just want to play it louder.

dance until i die.

i want to run out.

play parts of songs like this : youdonttellmeaboutwhatsgoingonfuckingmakeupyourmindstopdraggingiton

theyreonlywordstheydonthurt.

i think it goes like this.

now(better.best?)

bored.(chocolate.)

lonely (call me)

annoyed.(you didnt)

sad. (room)

depressed.(cry)

depressed.(animal)

now.

ohpleasepleasepleasedontknowsorrysorrysorrysorry

lets go running.

lets go screaming.

ps. cant believe it. that youre still here. strange strange strange. im a loser for it. i dont know why. im just mad. but now im more mad at me than you. im a loser. its so on my mind.

pps. between the bars gives me goose bumps

tell me what would make you happy, oh you so deserve to be

ive never felt worse.

every day is just like the next.

day and night are interchangeable

im so tired.

all i do is sleep.

i had a good poem in my head and i let it go because i couldnt find the effort to get up.

i dont know what to do.

i cant leave and i cant try.

i want to pick it up for you. i want to be better for you. i want to be happy. i want to make you happy.

i dont know what could make this better.

i barely care.

i dont have hope.

i just walk around

until i decide to go back to my room and cry.

not being here is what i want.

i need to get out.

when im awake i feel like i havent slept in days.

when im asleep i feel like a waste.

i see all the hours passing by.

i cant even reach for them.

i dont feel up to anything.

i dont want to hurt you.

i dont know what to do.

i guess im choosing weather to give up and stop

or to give myself another chance.

i never want to think again.

i never want to do anything but look

look around.

look down.

look at something until it doesnt look like anything.

i just let the blankets keep me trapped.

all tied up like a spiders web.

i hear someone moving around the house.

i burst into tears.

scratch that.

they are just slow.

they are just rain on a window.

ive never thought about it more.

i cant tell you what it is.

i wouldnt want you to worry.

i pretend i didnt know

i pretend you didnt either

i like to lie.

i feel a little bit better if i pretend its just a disease.

as if i have no control.

i think about how that day would go.

attending my own party.

i wonder who would come.

a few faces stand out in my mind.

your parents, thats a strange one.

im so cold.

i want to be somewhere else.

why cant i leave.

i dont want to be anywhere.

i want to be where i have to fake it.

lets go for a drive.

please come get me.

i sometimes think of you like youre already gone.

like your dead.

i feel dead too.

so i try not to think about it.

what happened to make me feel like this?

why are we all acting like its ok?

are you really so oblivious?

or you just think id rather not.

i dont know what this is!

i dont know how to handle this!

little monster, this is not what i want.

i cant handle being sad like this.

i wonder how much i will hate myself in the future.

i know how much of a waste im being.

i cant fix it.

day and night are interchangeable.

fuck.

i wish i was better.

i probably wont ever even make an effort.

im kinda curious to see what happens if i just dont.

im quite fucked.

SPOILED ROTTEN

i got waaaaaaaaay tooooo muchhhhh for christmas.

its awesome.

i cant even name all the stuff i got.

im so spoiled.

BUT I GOT A SNUGGIE.

and i got DANCEMAKER!!!!!!!!! ahhh im so excited i cant even tell you.

and i got a onesie. fricken awesome.

and a buttload of chocolate.

AND GUESS WHAT

i got tickes to WICKED.

hell yes.

and a buttload of clothes.

i got atleast 13 headbands.

this christmas was awesome.

come visit me in my bed tomorrow guys.

kbye

white christmas

i hate this.

maybe i could just like freak out.

and mess things up enough to be classified as having mental/emotional problems.

maybe they would just fill my life up with pills.

and everyone would feel bad enough to leave it alone.

and they would get that i feel like shit.

i honestly would rather be drugged out of my mind than be the bitch i am to them.

its not fair to them.

i just dont fit in with my family.

my sisters are perfect.

nicole the lacrosse star.

lived up to daddys expectations like i never could.

sierra

social butterfly.

she always knows what to say.

shes there for everyone shes never not happy.

i just cant be good enough.

my grades are shit.

im a totally different person around my family.

im immature.

im a bitch for no reason.

i can see myself doing it i just cant stop.

no one wants to be around me.

i just want to be alone all the time.

i just want to cry.

they all had their perfect boyfriends.

and their perfect best friends.

and their perfect 20bagillion other friends.

and the perfect grades.

and perfect jobs.

and perfect activities and attitudes and charisma.

i just dont fit in.

if i had my way i would just sit in bed through christmas.

i just want to be left alone so there is no chance i can fight with my dad.

or bitch at my mom.

or get on sie and coles nerves.

i just fuck everything up for them anyway.

what a perfect little family they would have without me.

perfect daughters.

they wouldnt have to worry about anything.

they could scream and yell at each other and move out whenever they want.

they would have maybe a tiny bit of money for their lives.

they wouldnt have to worry about custody.

or college.

or dance.

or shitty grades.

if i had somewhere to go i would run away.

its a good thing i dont do drugs.

its a real good thing.

i want to just get high till i cant speak.

and i cant hurt anyone.

and i cant disappoint anyone.

i just want to sit around burning time until this part of my life is over.

what the fuck am i still even doing up.

maybe ill have a fucking great dream.

and wake up crying.

Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks

oh hi.

yahsowimisshyu.

dasnotgoooode!

i think a lot about how easy it is.

and how much i anticipated it.

and then it happens.

and i dont even remember how.

i guess it just seemed right.

but i guess im wrong on that one.

i guess guess guess!

all this guessing!

i only wish i could know some things for sure.

that maybe you would let me feel sure about something.

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

im perfectly good enough

just not for you.

i think i might end my blog.

its a pointless piece of shit.

yeah, ive said it before.

i know i would just start it again.

i dont want to do this anymore.

twisted

hmmm.

for once im pretty speechless.

give it a minute,

i pretty much love my hair

im pretty much a gay scene boy.

i pretty much would bang myself.

there are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many country songs that say exactly my life.

they are so true and perfectly matching that i wont even write them on here.

but you never know, maybe i will.

time is passing so slowly.

i cant decide if this is better than seeing whats to come.

maybe everything is easier if its just gotten over with.

time and time again, i doubt who i am.

what a tragic ending,

dont let go of my hand.

i love that song.

i hape kara likes my hair.

i cant wait to dance in it.

right now i feel ok.

sometimes i suspect myself of being bipolar.

i was crying 2.5 hours ago now im eating chips and thinking about tomorrow.

i wish i could do everything you want me to.

for some reason its hard for me.

its like i dont want to ruin it, i dont want to ruin you.

you still havent moved out.

and it bothers me. but its not awful. i dont think of you in any way but that youre there.

and that im mad.

i do wish someone would swoop in and rescue me.

i know i should just rescue myself.

you tell me i can be alone.

but for some reason i dont believe you.

i dont believe that it will get better.

i dont believe one day ill stop being weak.

not that i even want to.

i just want to sit here feeling pain.

at least i know im alive.

i feel like i did what i was supposed to.

but i dont feel satisfied.

i guess im just waiting it out.

how do you not get why i would be upset?

take me away from the place i call home.

act like its fun. act like its funny.

you just dont get it because youre not here.

maybe im being immature. i dont feel bad though i know its wrong.

i just want to make this hard.

i wonder what i will do when there is no one there to save me

when he hits me, when he cheats.

when i love him anyway.

i wonder what she will be like...

it had better be a she.

if i dont like her i will fire her. i have to be able to talk to her as a friend.

if its a he, i think i would fall in love with him.

or i would feel like hes judging me.

yes, id better have a woman.

weird weird weird.

i wonder whats going on with you?

maybe you'll tell me someday.

underwood, carrie -

20.23.9.19.20.5.4.

chorus

oh well, ok.

"please stop lying to me"

but im not.

im not gonna freak out.

im not going to get all upset.

do what you want

its youre choice.

i cant make you do or say anything.

i know exactly what will happen.

two choices.

but the second one

its just too much.

i just cant do it.

so i will pick the first

as i always have

and i always will.

guess what, you win.

heres youre medal, made of injustice.

"im glad you say how you feel"

but there is really no point

when there is not someone to care.

when youre not listening.

so anyway to sum up.

ill just stay idle

figure out what you want.

actually i dont care what you want.

just dont do this.

oh well, ok.

im not even mad

at you im mad at myself

i feel like someone looking in

all those people who just shake their head.

im so indifferent.

im not confused i know exactly what im doing.

i just wish you didnt make it so hard.

its alright.

im not even mad at you at this point.

just the situation.

its alright.

dont worry about it.

he'll decide what he wants. i'll probably be the last to know. no one says until it shows and you see how it is. they want you or they dont. say yes.

#47

#47

if only there was someone to find...

this is beaaad.

i dont remember a word of math class.

i was too busy living in my own world.

just acting out everything i wish would come true.

90% doesnt.

idk if its unhealthy to do that or not.

but it keeps the time going.

it keeps me happy.

i guess i was right.

about just needing that.

i guess thats why i was ok after monday.

and today it was alright.

im just afraid for when i dont have it anymore!

grrhjksdhfjkhdfjkg

its just one of these

:/

thats just how my face looks when i ask myself about it.

"if you cant help it then just leave it alone."

i guess i just expect to much.

when i have no right to expect anything at all.

this is frustrating because im really not writing this in the tone of my normal blogs.

i promise im not mad or sad or anything at all.

just :/

not exactly indifferent.

but not frazzled by it.

im not surprised by much anymore.

i really hope this is going to be a good weekend.

i really hope my hair turns out ok.

i really hope i get to see all the people i want to.

i really hope i get some shit done.

meehehehhh;.

this is annoying.

blue, black, white, warm, soft, heavy, scared, eager, instinct.

thursday, thursday..., thursday.

thursday?

i guess we'll see..

i love my shoes

IM SO SICK

of all these LOLs

and people touching each other

and everyone flirting and laughing

and trying to get each others attention

and being flattered

and being all BFF!

and OMG.

and im fat!

my feet are shaped weird!

omg my boobs are weird!

i have more eyelashes on my right eye than my left!

what kind of drama!?

OMG NOWAY!

ILY, TTYL!

everyone is so happyyyy.

everyone has so much energy.

everyone has something to say

and someone to be mad at

and someone to be "in love" with.

fuckin pissin me off man!

i do not know!

what it is

if anything

that i did.

hmmmm

or what now?

ill just be chillin over here...

come get me when you want me..?

if i was in yr shoes, i wouldn't walk all over you so please don't walk all over me.

*flailing and hair flipping and random dance moves*

S’il vousplaitBittePerfavorePorfavorAlstublieftParakalopahzahlsta

grrgrgr!

though!

im like

fine.

but still like grr!

i gotta problem with that.

im finding out shit.

but i still dont even really see it.

i dont seek his approval.

i dont seek anything from him.

yet i still need someone else to fill that hole.

and then youuu

left me.

and then youuuu...

i dont really know.

but i got you.

thank goodness.

though im just waiting for the day when youre not there anymore.

and you didnt let me know before hand like you promised.

ill find away.

dont worry about it.

i told you, dont worry about it.

i just really dont want to become a slut.

is there a classy way of that?

probably not really.

thats not what i want anyway.

i know it would fuck me up.

eh, i guess its too late for that.

its just like.

one or the other.

and im surprisingly ok with it.

i just want to be left alone about it.

i can be whatever i want!

i wanted to be happy today.

maybe i wanna feel like shit tomorrow.

maybe i cant help it.

maybe its like a split second.

and im different.

and im two different people.

but honestly, i like them both.

i want to sit around and just be quiet and just be sad and just be alone.

and i want to make the best of it and i want to make you smile and i like talking.

i dont care if no one likes the grey one.

i like being her.

even when i feel like shit.

EVERYONE has winter blues.

including myself.

winter.

oh goodness.

cold.

alone.

dark.

wet feet.

skin parched of sun.

everyone feels cold.

everyone feels like the love has been sucked up into the frost.

snow is caving our lives in.

and there is no where to release this stress.

lungs are like christmas boxes in the summer.

all stuffy and forgotten.

and the christmas boxes are empty,

everything trying to make the best of this un human time.

and somethings can be made the best of.

come on people,

lets make a summer out of this winter!

lets go ice skating

slipping across icy patches with gifts in our hands.

find your honey bunny and cuddle the cold days away.

snow days.

hot chocolate.

tracking your name in the snow with your feet.

being the most genuine tired and childlike after a day sledding and snow ball fighting.

catch a snowflake on your tongue!

kiss under the mistletoe!

try try!

i cant be happy unless you all are pulling through with me.

tackle each other in the snow.

go for walks in berry park and just appreciate the little beauties.

take pictures of trees dressed in snow.

make a snow angle.

spend a day in bed.

look at the stars.

watch a disney movie.

hug each other.

hug me!

i love you. try not to give in. summer is on its way. i know ive been blah lately, but honestly, if anyone who reads this (probably no one) needs a thing, lemme know.

i miss you all!

we need to look out for each other.

talk to me at all hours!

you know i dont sleep.

A Secret to Keep.

you look up and realize your really alone.

this is why.

this is also why you cant be right now.

this is why you are.

this is why you will never fix it.

this is why it will haunt you.

i wonder what will become?

i know so soon.

i will regret not repairing the hole.

i dont care.

i cant think.

this feels better than nothing at all.

i would rather be shot

than count the heartbeats to the finish line.

i want it all right now.

i will take as much of you as i can.

i dont care that it feels like winter.

it tastes like alcohol.

submission submission.

i see it i guess.

but i dont know the rest.

i dont know what to do.

is this a secret to keep?

inhale.......thudthudbumba.

exhale........_

|_

|_

|_

|_

oh no oh no

hushhush.

its ok.

its alright.

que sera.

hold her hand.

stroke her hair.

toes

thighs

stomach

fingers

wrists

shoulders

heart

neck

face

hair.

get any bit you can, darlin.

i can see the sun coming in through my window.

so early!

or is it so late?

breathe, breathe

dont stress.

im here im here

sleep will make it better.

it all goes away, dont forget the moment!

forgive yourself.

breathe in

breathe out.

scrubs, trees, dogs, snow.

brown paper packages tided up with string...

the hole, the hole, ugh! theres nothing there!

should i call?

would i help?

no, no.

stress dont stress.

no dreams, no dreams.

ill wake up screaming at you!

i took my coat off, that was the rebellion.

so nothing.

and i still felt bad after.

i still felt as if i had broken a rule.

but i feel my veins!

its like there is metal mixed in there with the blood.

my forearms feel charged.

and they have no use.

theres nothing i can to.

i took my coat off.

i tried to sleep.

http://www.voicelessness.com/repetition.html

The Captain seemed to understand

should we put a tax on the thoughts in my head?

this sucks.

this is pretty suckish.

i do still smile though.

i smiled in that dream.

but i was convinced it was real.

just wait, what is it, 9 months?

that makes me feel weird.

nothing will ever be the same.

how come everyones so cool with that

and i cant even grasp it.

you say i will i will

i doubt it.

its not like i dont know,

i dont know how.

i just cant do it.

i cant ever prepare myself for the blows.

theres nothing to do.

theres nothing to feel.

theres nothing thats real.

theres no way to tell.

nothing stays.

but this wont go away.

1234

1234

1234

1234

1234

1234

5678

oh shit.

He can't blow a note unless the bass and guitar is playin' with him.

it doesnt matter.

nothin

nothin

im not sad.

im not confused.

im not angry.

im just

plain.

blank.

empty.

still.

undone.

ive never regretted a move ive made.

ive never seen my life the way it is.

ive never stopped loving myself.

ive never thought id be like this.

ive never thought i would be so different than who i want to be.

never thought this would happen to me.

never thought id do this to myself.

never thought i would feel this way and it would be a bad thing.

never thought i would feel this way.

or that anyone would let me.

never wanted to be left alone.

never needed so much.

never wanted you to come over.

never wanted you to get out.

never been so mad.

never smiled so much.

never been so selfish.

never needed so much.

never needed help.

never not been there.

never fucked this all up.

never felt alone.

or stepped out.

ive never felt so guilty.

ive never felt so cheated.

i still care.

"i can tell she loves it. i can tell by her face!"

ohohohohohohohohohohohohoh!

yea ah!

i couldnt if i tried.

fond smiles flow out

though i wish i could convey anger.

i cant be mad at you.

dasnotgooood!

is good its good.

feelin good.

feelin scared.

lettin it go.

lettin it flow.

nothings gonna bring it down.

not tomorrow!

the world will fold over soon

in time.

it always does.

better watch yr step.

it smells so good before it rains.

come hereeeee.

gahgahgah

who knows?

i wont lie

but how will i know if im lying or telling the truth?

i think you know how i feel.

well, i sure dont.

so.

figure it out.

kthanksbye.

i never understand that.

so ive decided not to give it any mind.

i think ive lost mine anyway.

just tell me. tell me honey pie

if theres anything you need.

im tryin. trying for it.

its so great!

sometimes just

rush!

but you, little monster inside

worry me

and i wonder where you are

and i wonder, what are your plans?

i sometimes feel you in there

foreshadowing.

i just wonder how that will feel

and who that will be

and how that will play out.

lets have it be all out

if youre gonna do it.

dont half ass this, little monster.

were here to fuck shit up!

<3<3<3

The promises you'll only make

feels like shit.

shake my head at you.

dont look at me.

so disappointed

whywhy

how do you do it?

the worse the storm is, the harder the tide pulls

self preservation|noitcurtsid fles

you dont care what you say

i dont care

endless endless

dont repeat

left shoe right shoe

they come in pairs

get on the boat

sorry its this way

no choice no choice

dont fix me

why do you try

dont take your insides out

so i can ruin them in me

why.

why would i ask you

"come closer"

hurt me hurt me

i see you beautiful

burn my eyes out

come back come back

pull out my hair

get away get out

fall down fall down leave the pieces behind

dont dare take them with you

disassembled is enough

cant put it back quite the same

dont help me dont touch me

leave it alone

but dont blame be for being broken

dont think im all morbid

all stuck inside

but dont think im perfect

dont make me feel bad

get out get out

let me get stuck

dont feel bad while im sitting in the rut

dont talk

dont think i dont know

dont call me pathetic

i already know

dont make me feel worse

make me feel good

dont let me be sick

dont tell me what to do

dont care

dont forget me

dont use me

dont forget me

dont let me go

dont see me right now

dont think this is it

dont write me off

dont get sick of me

dont stop caring.

i dont see it i dont

maybe its all my own god damned fault

cant carry you, world

cand carry a drop

feels like shes falling

it never stops

endless, endless

dont make me feel bad

make me feel good

dont make me feel fucked

dont deepen my rut

sing me a love song

send me to bed

dont let me cry

dont think about their bodies

skinny wire

water

snow

endless endless

im sorry i cant

i sorry for guilt

i cant i cant

dont say not to worry

dont say its fine dont give me that look

just help me out by standing by

its not right

not right one bit

i cant i cant

im sick of this shit.

im sorry im sorry

ive got no fight.

i felt sick deep inside when i looked at your eyes

shit its shit

keep me away

tuck me away

let me stay

just alone so i cant hurt you

and the world cant hurt me

dont let it stay

take it away

i feel so bad

selfish selfish

i want you to know

i wish i didnt show

all the things i cant hide

i cant keep inside

though i honestly should

i know its no good.

im sorry so sorry

i dont mean to hurt you

stop me stop me

i never will mean to

i cant help it cant help

but i know that i should

for yours and mine

for our own good.

Booking away with no where to go

i just wanna sit at home listening to elliott smith.

Thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love then ignore

cus my feelings never change a bit I always feel like shit i
Don't know why I guess that I just do

Told you off and goodbyeWell you know one day it'll come to haunt youYou're a tongueless talkerYou don't care what you sayYou're a jaywalker and you just just walk awayAnd that's all you do.one day you’ll know what you’re talking abouti can hardly imagine, but until then i’ll befilling in these blanks that you createevery time you win some petty scoreposing as hardcore, oh yeah, either/or

But anything that I could do, would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it then just leave it alone

Leave it alone, yeah, just forget it
It's really easy

I saw you move a certain way

I missed you a lot

Yeah yeah you're still here but just check to make sure

All you aspired to do was endure.

sslybyLOVE

tonight.

tonight was so good.

tonight was too good to ruin with other shit.

tonight was great.

ps

i know it shouldnt matter.

it does.

im human.

you douche.

fuck you.

you dont know what youre talking about.

dont talk to me again.

i feel like everything you tell me i am.

get out.

reading my last post.. scared me.

ive been going through trying to kind of decode it.

im not in the mood i was in yesterday

but i think i want to write another crazy one.

im sensitive lately.

why would you do that?

what areeeee you doing?

get out.

right left right left

leave my house

leave my brain.

come in to my dream and yr gettin yr ass kicked

mad

its like

when people screw you over in a dream

and yr mad the whole next day

but a dream its not

a reason

got lost

in ashdown forest.

maybe ill get lost too

ill be the fishy who flies out of the stream.

and flies!

kisses the clouds!

and falls

and runs out of air

grass stuck to my gills

and dies there.

birds eat her later

midnight snack.

because of course you are so yummy

all yr good for

dont

make me feel

dont make me the sheep

you know you hurt my feelings

you all did

wheather you tried or not

people who tried, grow up, leave me a lone

people who didnt, you didnt do anything, its just going to be a hard week

just know i cant take much this week

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

quick change

14

fakefakefakefakefakefake

shakenbake

smilesmilesmile

theres no crying in baseball!

im scared of you.

what if you leave?

im sorry if i ignore you for a week or so.

im scared to be friends with anyone.

i wanna get my hair cut

i wanna cut you out of it

you all have or will leave me.

i wish i was strong enough to be happy alone.

When I already shed my best defense

I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me
I'm lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me