white christmas

i hate this.

maybe i could just like freak out.

and mess things up enough to be classified as having mental/emotional problems.

maybe they would just fill my life up with pills.

and everyone would feel bad enough to leave it alone.

and they would get that i feel like shit.

i honestly would rather be drugged out of my mind than be the bitch i am to them.

its not fair to them.

i just dont fit in with my family.

my sisters are perfect.

nicole the lacrosse star.

lived up to daddys expectations like i never could.

sierra

social butterfly.

she always knows what to say.

shes there for everyone shes never not happy.

i just cant be good enough.

my grades are shit.

im a totally different person around my family.

im immature.

im a bitch for no reason.

i can see myself doing it i just cant stop.

no one wants to be around me.

i just want to be alone all the time.

i just want to cry.

they all had their perfect boyfriends.

and their perfect best friends.

and their perfect 20bagillion other friends.

and the perfect grades.

and perfect jobs.

and perfect activities and attitudes and charisma.

i just dont fit in.

if i had my way i would just sit in bed through christmas.

i just want to be left alone so there is no chance i can fight with my dad.

or bitch at my mom.

or get on sie and coles nerves.

i just fuck everything up for them anyway.

what a perfect little family they would have without me.

perfect daughters.

they wouldnt have to worry about anything.

they could scream and yell at each other and move out whenever they want.

they would have maybe a tiny bit of money for their lives.

they wouldnt have to worry about custody.

or college.

or dance.

or shitty grades.

if i had somewhere to go i would run away.

its a good thing i dont do drugs.

its a real good thing.

i want to just get high till i cant speak.

and i cant hurt anyone.

and i cant disappoint anyone.

i just want to sit around burning time until this part of my life is over.

what the fuck am i still even doing up.

maybe ill have a fucking great dream.

and wake up crying.