He held his breath To hold your hand

oh so you want to?

lot of things i could say.

maybe for another day?

just knowing that im ok

makes the bad dreams go away.

and i worked it up

and yes i asked

and maybe its a sign

that it all has passed

maybe i am happy

causes unknown

but maybe this bad dream

has finally flown

right out the window

and out of my head

and i havent since

wished i was dead.

just like clockwork

the hand his twelve

weeks gone by

and im free to be myself.

you will never be free

you know that right?

you will never win

because you will never fight.

you can never leave.

have you figured that out?

no matter how you wine

scream and pout.

i have you here

in a ball and chain

and in my heart

you will remain.

head to toe let your whole body talk

things are all messed up.

i want to model.

legit

"I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost!
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved"

PREACH^

(im playing dumb cuz i cant decide. i know ill do whatever is dumbest in the end)

lemme tell you a secret:

i want to.

I WANT TO.

no no no no no

bad. jessie.

(guess what.

i want to even more.)

why do i have this near dominant slut side to me?

i think i might secretly be a really really gay boy.

I WANT TO.

do you want to?

dont say yes because im not allowed.

dont say no because ill want to even more.

nomnomnomnomwantwantwantwant

to.

2.

two.

you.

me.

you.

through.

phew.

(i still want to.)

cycle

ill use your own words against you

break you with your own machine

track marks healed

now im clean.

stay away from the night

get out of my dreams.

its only your mind.

"gently down the stream.."

one day ill stop throwing up

stop blowing my nose

kick this sickness

and burn the clothes.

repetition

can be a friend

time will be spent

and structure can mend.

im running my mouth

like im so strong

but every picture

reminds me im wrong.

that frame of street and trees

could frame my whole life.

dirty snow

and cracked streetlights

im feeling good

mostly afloat

I'm doing just fine

hour to hour, note to note

the ratio is 4 to none

the ratio is sad to fun

im pretty upset

but im not gonna say

as she says

"dont push people away"

but it seems youve all flocked on your own

for why and to where

have you all flown?

ill just get used to it

being a hermit

because all the emotion

hardly seems worth it

i wont get upset

when i have no control

i have no more left

to play that role.

i cant be concerned

with much else

yeah i guess im a bitch

so concerned with myself.

your welcome to let me in

and give me a reason to care

but how it is right now

just isnt fair.

i dont understand

and i never will

and i cant be content

at least not untill..

so now ill sit back

and watch the show

laugh at all the jokes

ill never get to know

remember all the times

i never got to have

remember every weekend

and think "its not so bad"

and now id like to throw up

because you cant leave me

and it wont ever be the same

how could it be?

its a blessing

and a curse

but i know

loosing you is worse

than a day like this

could ever be

but there is no answer

to my plea

because you have no choice

and thats the hardest bit

you have to leave

and i have to live with it.

i cant imagine

a week without you

and now ill have to start

braving it through.

you leave me with a smile

and tell me "chin up"

but i try to follow

like some lost pup.

i feel so misplaced

like i should be going too

thoughts of next year

make me so dark blue.

im afraid

and i cant trust myself

to be ok

while your away.

i just start crying

when i think of how id be

if you

had never met me.

and now im torn between

wishing time would stop

wishing i had more,

setting back the clock

or living in fast forward

making time pass

counting the seconds

until its over at last.

i need to be free

i need you to keep me down

i need you to make me smile

and be there when i frown

i need so much

just to stand

and i dont know how to walk

without holding your hand

just dont desert me

that i cant bear

but i belive what you say

youll always be there.

sang

We got in the most bloody awful car crash.

More blood than I've ever made flowed into you from my veins.

Shards of your car were so deeply rooted in me you could see bone.

The windshield was smashed and everything was unclear.

I had never felt more calm.

You came running and grabbed my soaked arm.

I sat still while you pulled me out the misshapen door though I probably should have helped.

An awed smile spread across my face and that was the most I could muster.

My only thought was to catch your eyes with mine in my last few moments.

I sent you waves of appreciation and admiration since my mouth wouldn't cooperate.

You handled me so gently..

As I felt the pebbles in my skin, the back of my mind muttered some ingrained worry about infection.

but I never really cared. through too long of a journey I looked up at you.

Blood plastered your hair to your face and your eyes were consumed by concern.

Your mouth was slightly ajar and I wondered how your lips might feel on mine.

I heard sirens in the distance and wished they would turn around.

You were kneeling by me now, saying some beautiful words I will never understand.

I tried to sit up and you put your hand on me.

That was the only moment I needed to live for.

Blood immediately started pouring out of my mouth as I coughed and heaved.

You moved as a scared fish and your face was crooked and pained.

More blood came out of me in waves.

More blood than I had ever seen surrounded me in a great pool that reminded me of baptism.

Then I stopped, feeling like I had been freed of everything unnecessary.

Your hand was on my collar bone, keeping me connected.

I heard a man who wasn't you and he came to take you away.

I suspect he was god.

I felt everything in slow motion.

I remembered every touch of your hand as it slid away from me.

They worked around me but they were too late.

In my last moments of life, I had lived.

You will never know what I was on my way to do in that car.

You will never understand how silly suicide sounds in hindsight.

Death was such a funny ending.

Three months and I wake up

is it weird that my new chocolate fountain turns me on more than most guys could?

ps. chocolate blowjob

pss. yes, i suppose its pretty weird. hah

"and you think I ought to shake your motherfucking hand?"

I don't ever drive by your house to see if you're in

It's no problem,
I'll just keep quiet if it's easier for you
To make believe in then
That I don't love you as much as I do

its just a bad day

shadowed by bad dreams.

i cant be the doll

tearing at the seams.

so ill sit in my doll house

and ill play pretend

and ill act like ill never

feel this way again.

though i know tomorrow

is just another day

and i have no protection

and no prayer to pray.

because i get the shit beat out of me

many times a day

and I'm so happy

to know you wont stay.

you were so real

when i saw you this afternoon

and that dream

ended too soon.

because for the first time in weeks

i touched you like i could grab the wind

and i felt everything

bubble up from within.

and i woke up.

and didn't even know

until i got in the car

and i felt so low.

and sank so far.

and i cried on the glass

and forced it to pass

got my needle and thread

and sewed up my lips

bloody from words

bloody from your kiss.

there are so many things

id want you to know

and there are so many things

id never show.

but it doesn't matter

cause I'm a dead china doll

and i could never ever

end it all.

and ill carry the world

as a boulder again

minus the weight

of a best friend.

i never really mattered

what each other said

because as i know

i cant trust my head

to do what's right

and best for me

and i know that i could never

really be free.

because if i screamed out loud

it'd be a mist in the breeze

and i will always want to puke

and be weak at the knees.

and ill always make it worse

than it has to be.

and i will always hate you

i will never be free.

its a beautiful night

my sister had a great idea.

i feel sick still. waiting for the time when im actually so disgusted that i puke.

toxic spit

there are some things you just should never say to a teenage girl. ever.

i had a really weird dream.

wanna hear about it?

wel... ya do now

ok so i (i cant remember all of it) i was at a store or something buying something from this guy

and we were like flirting and whatever while i was paying and all that nonsense. and it was fun and then i walked away to go do whatever.

but then he showed up later and he like grabbed me and started kissing me out of nowhere. and at first i was like oh?! and then i was uh ok. and i started kissing him back (dont worry OR sorry to disappoint you, its not a sex dream).

but then he started going too far and getting really aggressive about it. and so i was like ukjrskgjkgjlkgs get away.

and i tried to get away from him but he wouldnt let me (dont worry its not a rape dream either).

and i pulled away but then his tongue (this is the gross part) got all thin and stretched out and long and he like wouldnt get out of my mouth and it was gross and disturbing and uncomfortable and violating.

and i think i woke up after that.

and then i just had this disgusting kiss rape feeling and it was creepy and i couldnt sleep.

ps: this guy wasnt even very hot.

he had like long boarder line grungy hair and stubble and he was probably like 25.

(and he wasnt even as skinny as i would have liked)

anyway. if anyone wants to tell me what this means id like that.

i looked it up and got a lot of different answers but im a freak and read into these kinda things wayyyy too much.

kbye

auto

there once was a girl named jessie

its true, her room was quite messy.

theres books on the floor

and and no clothes in the drawer.

but it causes her no distress-y.

she liked to bake

numerous cakes

and cookies now and then.

she slipped on an egg

and broke both her legs

and shell never be dancing again.

Chatting on the phone can't take back those hours But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be

too much dancing?
too much stress?
its nothing, *baby*
put it to rest.
nothings impossible
i always do say.
but for this evening
we'll keep it at bay.
wait another week
and then ill be scared.
but we'll figure it out
it will all be repaired.
its really nothing
but an excuse to write.
which ive been needing
needing something to ignite.
i really dont like
this empty feeling
it feels insolent
like the wrong kind of healing.
so uninspired
and so trivial
and only the studio
feels convivial.
because i feel left out
in the simplest of phrasing.
and my hearts exaggeration
is truly amazing.
because it shouldn't matter
as much as it does.
and i shouldnt care
that it isnt how it was.
because i wasnt who i am
and how are you to blame?
i just wish i could shape up
cuz it really is a shame.
that i spent that night frowning
like a little angry mouse.
when i suppose i should treasure
the last moments in this house.
this house of sadness and cold as hell.
i really love to be here!
cant you tell?
with the tension in the air
as thick as butter
and box upon box
filled with the clutter.
pink stickers line my eyelids
while i spit up paint swatches
while the dogs sniff my hair
and my fish silently watches.
because they know it too
just as silly as it sounds.
they feel the weight
of three hearts on the ground.
so i get my blood money
and i go on my way.
as the calender marks off
all the last days.
and my mom is ready
as giddy as a horse.
and my dad stands by
filled with remorse.
in i sit here doing less,
less than i should
and sierra and nicole
try to make it sound good.
and you help with the decorating.
and you havent said a word.
and you understand
but keep the words unheard.
and you try to help
but you just make me mad
and i cant even speak to you
cuz i dont want to look sad.
and youve got yr own shit
so i wont interfere
and id love to talk to you
but your not even here
as you said you would be
but i saw right through
but dont worry about it
im not quite as blue
as i make myself seem
thats just the way it comes out
i go for a whisper
and end up with a shout.

so bummed.

woooo!
look at those hands.

whatever.
its ok.

(cuz cindys the hostess)

idcidcidcidcidcidcidcidcidcidcidc

i
am
so
uninspi
(red)

and.

FRUSTRATED!

[with.(

at.)]

myself.

I took every book one by one off your bookshelf.
found the middle page in each one individually.
and put them all face up, open.
and i laid them all on the floor of your library.
and in the halls.
and on the bathroom tiles.
and in the oven.
and i tucked them in your bed.
under your down comforter.
then i went in your cupboard
in the kitchen where i know you keep things.
and i took out the rubbing alcohol
because i know you have a big jug of it.
and i walked on top of all your books
with the drizzle of alcohol training behind like i was doing some spiritual dance, feeling my feet on the pages.
then i stood right in your big grand hall.
facing away from the mirror, standing by the stairs.
i let your dog out.
and lit a match.

i wanna pick some stuff to submit to meadowbrook for english.
any favorites you think would be good?

i do not have a clue whats going on.
im not thinking about it.
im not doing anything about it.
im letting it go.
im not counting the clock.
there is no graph.

you could write a novel

sometimes i feel happy
sometimes i feel sad
sometimes i feel sick
sometimes i feel glad.
and tonight im feeling
a whole mix of things.
its funny, all the feelings
that one time can bring.
Tonight i feel good
in a reluctant kind of way.
Tonight, i cant explain
and i have nothing really to say.
I just feel kind of sad
as if i want to be.
and you, little home
you came through for me.
I see everyone who shines
and reaches further than the sun
and its comforting to think
ive only just begun.
Maybe this could be the life
i make for myself
and maybe in the future
i wont need so much help
just to move on
to stand up at all
because in this family
we clap when you fall.
Maybe ill go
where my heart tells me to
and maybe ill find
something brand new.
Ill be a maker of beauty
and a user of time
ill be a superhuman
and a reader of rhymes.
Ill be a bruiser of skin
and a breather of air.
Ill be a suspender of time
and a translator of despair.
Ill be the nerves in the wings
no matter how old.
I could write a novel
of my story to be told.

what do you think?

blah blah blah blah blah!!!!
i need to write!!!!

So its the next "step"
time to buck up.
Yep, these next few months
are gonna be rough.
Pack up the boxes
and we'll ship them out to sea.
We'll treat it all with tact
and equality.
But we both know its bullshit
because your screwing some guy
and its come to the point
where you don't even hide.
I can make myself sick
just looking at you.
Have you ever stopped to think
what hes going through?
You are the one
who gets a brand new life
and your leaving him here
with the heartache and strife.
If you weren't happy
you should have got out.
Isn't staying loyal
what marriage is about?
I know I should be thankful
"live like you are dying"
but when look around this house
I cant help but start crying.
Being here,
it's hard to resist.
There's boxes and boxes
of things I will miss.
Because where ever they are
they're not in my heart.
It it seems that my childhood
has fallen apart.
Daddy says "its just stuff,
at least I have my daughters."
and I think to myself
"what a wonderful father."
He is braver
than I could ever be.
and all I can spare
is my sympathy.
He said to me
"I'm not broken yet."
And that is something
I will never forget.
I haven't felt like this
in a very long time.
And I doubt I've ever been so blunt
in one of these rhymes.
But I guess it came back
to send me back down.
And honestly, it's comforting
to be back on the ground.
Its nice to be not laying
in the lost and found.
To not be so dizzy,
stuck in a cloud.
Its nice to remember
whats real and whats not.
Its nice to go back
to feeling what I forgot.

all i want now is happiness for you and me

id like to write something new.

i have no idea what to say,

i feel kinda different.

the suspense is killing me.

when will i come down from this high?

its starting to make me doubt everything it has taken me so long to realize.

it kind of makes me feel like everything ive gone through up to this point is worthless.

i honestly cant put my finger on what im feeling.

i know:

i dont like to hear you talk and laugh on the phone. especially when im not sure who youre talking to.

i feel better when i dont see you.

i can honestly count on you.

i wish:

i knew if what i was doing was effecting you at all.

i knew how you feel about me.

i could understand you better.

i want:

to be at the studio. all the time.

to fast forward 5 weeks into the future.

to be able to accept feeling happy.

margie hauser

And so, theresa, it seems you have broken another part of my fragile body.

I went back to my hospital bed to lay down a while.

I have been laying down a while for the past three weeks now.

But theresa, don't crinkle your brow. There's no need for you to worry about me anymore.

(besides, you are in love with the boy who swims).

I have fallen in love, theresa.

With the most beautiful woman.

Her name is Margie Hauser.

Her middle initial is R. and she was born in 1968.

I see her across the street every day from my window.

Sometimes I can sneak out and chat with her for an afternoon.

She makes for the most lovely conversations and tells the most wonderful stories of her life and death.

(I assume her middle name is Rose because her gravestone is heavily decorated with them.)

coinstar

every day since i was able to stand again

(quite a miracle, you know)

I left my hospital bed and hitched a bus ride to the grocery store.

Every day i saw you, lovely theresa, doing different things, you looked like no other being on earth.

Sometimes they would have you stocking the shelves. Sometimes you would be the girl selling doughnuts with a lovely smile you just COULD NOT refuse. Sometimes you would be the cashier.

(I would wait in a line 100 custumers long to exchange quick small talk with you.)

But today was quite different.

Today I walked

(quite a miracle, you know)

in through the sliding doors and your green apron caught my eye. I saw you though the windows on the other side. Talking to him as if you loved him. You so fondly put your hand on his wrist and looked at him with eyes I would have died to see.

He was the boy who swims.

(but never for a team)

And it seems you two are in love

(as you so deserve to be theresa, you are stunning).

you broke my spine, you broke my heart.

you are in love with the boy who swims.

(ps. i puked behind the coinstar machine and you're gonna have to clean it up.)

I'm making a graph.

As silly as that sounds.

I'm making a graph.

Yes, its profound.

Of the ups and downs

and the way I feel.

Some cold hard data

might appeal.

I'd like to know how things work

and I'm going to find out.

I'd like to know why I am

inside and out.

As the pendulum swings

and the gears are turning

I'll be being the doctor

doing the learning.

(But don't we all know

this is just a big lie.

Another school project

to by me more time.

Because I can't man up

and do what I need.

Because I'm scared to go

and I'm scared to feed

the deepest hungers

of my soul and mind.

So I blame it on life,

and not having time.

When we all know the truth:

if I just asked

the newest grand level,

it too could be be passed.)

Because all I really want

is to help you now.

And what I really need

is to be good enough somehow.

I need to get back on track

and find some purpose.

I need to start giving back

because I know that you're worth it.

I know that your worth

the time and the help.

I know that your worth

what I took for myself.

So now in the mean time

I'm riding the wave.

Now its the mean time

when I just can't be brave.

So I'm riding the ocean

on the highest peak.

What do I have, graph?

Roughly a week?

Until I fall back down

to a sandy grave

and take a time out

because my brain misbehaves.

We'll yell and scream at it,

tell it to shape up.

But it pees on the carpet

like a droopy eyed pup.

Always retrograding

back to the start

and with every new cycle

I pick it apart.

I think by now

I've got it right.

I think right now

I could give up the fight.

But I guess it's not time

if my heart's not on board.

I guess it will act

on it's own accord.

But when that day comes

and I can lay down and rest

when that day comes,

I will do my best.

To be your friend

and do what I can.

Because incase you didn't know,

I'm your biggest fan.

hospital

so many things to say!

no way to say em.

every day i watch you at the pool.

we always end up there the same time. but we have never spoken.

(words, that is)

you are beautiful in the water, it looks like your home.

you can swim, god knows it.

but you would never join the team.

why ruin something so loved, right?

i always watch you do your first dive.

you seem to love that one more than all the rest.

and you stand there in anticipation as if you're waiting for someone to blow the whistle

(but no one ever will)

and then all the sudden

(i never expect it)

you're whole body springs like a cat and you ruin the glass between the water and your fingertips.

you did it just then and you ruined all the perfect stillness.

and that is always your favorite one.

and right after i watch you jump, i jump too.

because i like to think that once we are both under

in the other world where we would never survive

that you love me back.

------------------------------------------------------------

Nanette, I don't care about you anymore.

You came in all floaty and white and perfect. And walked over to my bedside as if you loved me.

You put your hand so delicately on my wrist.

You said you were sorry.

I winced a little because you nudged the iv but I didn't tell you so you wouldn't feel bad.

You apologized for calling them.

I would've never gone to the store that day

if you had loved me back.

Now, Nanette

when I was hit

(and I broke my spine in 3 places)

and by bones were breaking

the first thing I though about was you.

I wonder if you could hear them from your large bay window in your orange room with your little dog.

The second thing I remembered was that I didn't care.

Because Nanette, I'm in love.

with the most beautiful girl in the world.

She works at the grocery store and wears a green apron and she is Theresa.

and the third thing I though about was the vanilla soy milk flying all over the place

(I could see it from the ground)

and I though I should owe that man and his 1998 volkswagen an apology because he is likely upset about a soymilk covered car.

So now Nanette

you are standing here in my hospital room nudging my iv and speaking with your beautiful lips.

I'm sorry nanette.

I'm in love with a theresa.

and I don't care about you

(and I don't care about your small dog.)

nanette

every day i walk past your house on the way to work and on the way back.

and every day i look into yr large bay window into yr orange living room.

and i see you in there doing something

sometimes yr mixing brownies in yr big blue bowl

(i know its yr favorite)

sometimes your holding yr little dog and i think its cute even though im biased against them.

sometimes you are knocked out with popcorn on your chest and the remote still in your hand.

sometimes youre dancing when you think no one can see you

(those are the best days)

i see your life through your large bay window and i know you quite well by now.

every day i make sure to look.

but today, i didnt see you through your large bay window

but thats because today you were sitting on the sidewalk with a thin yellow chalk drawing the most beautiful things.

i sat down next to you like we are old friends because we are.

and i told you i loved you and i always have

and i kissed you

and you took out your cell phone

and called the police.

(ps yr dog bit me and i dont think its cute anymore)

ps. yall make me wanna throw up the lunch i just ate.

lets write a poem : theresa

i saw you at the grocery store today

you dropped a giant glass jar of mayo

it broke.

i watched you clean it up while i was in line with a bag of goldfish and vanilla soymilk.

you looked beautiful in your green apron, praying that your boss didn't show up.

(they wouldn't fire you anyway)

i watched your hair fall out of your pony tail a little bit as the man in the brown hat asked if i could "please move so he can get on with his shitty day."

i felt bad for the mad in the brown hat because if he only looked 45 degrees to the right, he would see you and his day wouldn't be so shitty.

(at least mine wasn't)

i left the line and let the man in the brown hat go in front of me.

i ran back through the isles and put but goldfish back on the shelf so that i might be able to come back tomorrow.

maybe by then they will have gotten you a name tag so i could put a name to your perfect face.

(i already have, its theresa)

i watched you use the old yellow mop to get the last of the mayo from the floor as i checked out.

the last sight i saw of you was you wiping the sweat from your brow with a look of discontent.

then i walked off the curb into a 1998 volkswagen and broke my spine in 3 places.

(it was worth it, theresa.)

the bees know the world will end

why?

why why why why?

why is the sky blue?

why is the grass green?

why do you have freckles?

why is this orange?

why is this red?

why are you working?

why arent you here?

why does she look scared?

why do you love kix?

why are you typing?

why are you so sad?

why does a camera flash?

why did you tell them?

________________________________

if i die

ill die in the summer

ill die in the summer for you

if i die it will be sunny

and the entire sky

will be blue.

a winter death

as cold as ice

id never put you through.

you would never make it

through those long dark days

i wouldn't want you to be mad

and wish that i had stayed.

at my funeral celebration

we'd all be dressed in white

and we'd have it outside

in the glow of summer light

and in the heat

80 or 90

you could wear a pretty dress

with flowers in your hair

some boys you might impress

and id ask you to sing

as you tossed my ashes

into the windy june

and we'd dance in the water

surrounded by bees

and the flowers all in bloom.

and you wouldn't be sad

because you'd know i had wished

that you'd dance and laugh all night

because my death

is not in vain

in the gleaming summer light