not gonna lie, i really miss blogger

i guess i just switched to tumblr?
julia tedesco made it to tempting.
maybe ill come back when i get scurred.

jessiedesalvia.tumblr.com

You'll be okay, anyway. And I smiled cuz I'd known it all the while

im not really into that whole "new year, new me" shit.
its kinda a one day at a time approach for me.
or rather, one moment at a time?


of course there is things i want from this year.
but wishing for them isnt going to get them.


i dont really want to get my hopes up for anything to happen.
this year was pretty shitty. but 2009 may have been worse.


im generally pretty happy. im not thriving, but i have a handle on my life.
the cycle of having really bad things happen immediately following really good things is still going strong.


my hair is in a good place.


i really really love some of my friends.
i mostly hate everyone hahaha. except the people that i love. its not okay.


i can remember everything without pain. but i still cannot listen to that song. i will never be able to.


i am both scared and excited for everything that is coming.
im about to turn 17 and that seems really old. like. wayyy to old compared to all i havent accomplished.
i want to be famous.


thinking about things like this summer and college, getting a job getting a licence and getting a car, trying to accept new people, trying to figure out why im not happy about the places i live, trying to let people figure out things for themselves, thinking about creative collaboration, thinking about creating, thinking about SATs and regents, thinking about june, about visiting new york, auditions and decisions, thinking about sexuality, about sex in an objective way, detaching feelings and facts, thinking about food and wanting to be thinner looking and also how absurd that notion is, feeling bad for wanting glamour, wanting to be in love.


trying to be like brooke in life
trying to be like bridget in dance
always acting like julia
always wanting to spend time with carina
always being jealous of marissa
wishing i had the work ethic of lauren
wishing everyone found me as funny as nina does.


its okay to be whoever you are. its okay to like the music on the radio. its okay to want to make out with people other people dont find attractive. its okay to be a dog person. its okay to be really into beef jerky. its okay if yr on bc for no reason. its okay if something normal was traumatizing. its okay to have mixed sexuality. its okay if you just want to experience things in yr head. its okay to have anxiety about things like ordering food and spaces youve never been in. its okay to need a game plan. its okay to throw the game plan out the window. its okay to love the way you look completely but sometimes wish you were different. its okay to think a lot of different things in your head that you dont say. its okay if yr not up on all the music you like. its okay to only listen to a few songs. its okay if you believe in things other people dont. its okay if youre the only one laughing at yr joke. its okay to feel any way you want and be honest about it. its okay to cut people out. its okay to do what you gotta do. its okay to not like people for no reason. its okay to not talk about things that make you upset. its okay if you dont cry anymore. its okay to change yr mind. its okay if yr love is just for yourself.

I watch you making mistakes. I wish you luck, I really do. With the problem, with the puzzle, whatever's left of you.



im trying so hard to hold my tongue but honestly im biting it off.
me sitting here not being able to say anything to the people in my life that are making huge mistakes because its "not my place."
me trying to fucking build a wall, me making my life a better place.
but i cant.
all these idiot people! i wish there was a way i could help but its useless.
i can not say anything to anyone.
because things are weird.
half these idiots are my family. the other half are.. not.
so i cant say a word about it.
but i sure wish someone who could would.



Jacqueline was being such a big girl with her cup of tea looking out of the window.

but it gets so complicated!


EVERYONE I FUCKING HATED IS IN THIS ROOM!



i need to get away

DON'T FOLLOW ME HOME.
DON'T FOLLOW ME HOME.

NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU.




i dont know why i lied to her.
i used to lie to her all the time.
id lie about everything. littlle things. anything.
only to her.
to hear it made her awful sad.
she used to believe me and thats when it was good.
lies get that way.
that way things do.
things get fucked. and someone needs to fix it.
she was so sad.
she always found out.
i dont know why i lied to her.


hospial bed was the most comfortable place for her.
hospital gowns always looked best on her.
she prefered everything white.
because white doesnt lie to her.
white walls white sheets white light.
white is white in day or night.
white is just white.
white was alright.
i didnt like visiting her because she looked thin and safe.
she lived there and she was comfortable.
she was not okay but she was not sick.
when she was told to leave she stopped eating. so she stayed.


and now know how she felt.
this was years ago.
when i was a kid and she was a chance.
and now i understand.


i threw up.
at the football game.
i was lucky, the team had just scored.
the fans were screaming and everyone was clapping.
there was a band playing as i leaned over the trash can.
thank god i made it.
it was a strange feeling having everyone cheering while you vomit.
it made it many times less notacable though.
for a split second before i bolted down the bleachers i didnt know what to do.
i didnt want to sit back down next to you, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and stupidly grin at you.
i imagined your face right before you got up and walked away from me.
so i bolted down the bleachers.
i sat under the stands where the kids smoke weed.
i was dry and alone and that seemed good.
you probably thought i went to the bathroom to continue the up chuck so that bought me some time.
i sat and thought about how much of an idiot i must have looked like.
i tried to formulate a plan of how i was going to return when i felt a vibration in my pocket.
call.
from you.
in a moment like that something like the send button doesnt seem all that trivial anymore.
did i even want to go back?
was it even worth it to leave the dry aloneness of the bleacher's underbelly?
the thought of you kissing him almost made me puke again.
dry.
alone.
right now that sounded better.
all these thoughts in a matter of two rings.
i stared down at you, the icon on my phone and imagined looking at myself in that moment.
the glow of light on my face, shoulders hunched over with my hands shaking, feet clearly soaked.
third ring.
i imagined you flashing your smile as you walked out like you were proud of what youd done.
fourth ring.
nineteen seconds.
twenty four seconds.
thirty seconds.
fifth ring.
i looked down at my feet.
clearly soaked and i immediately felt an overwhelming sense of coldness.
it felt like my spine had turned into ice and was now folding in on itself slashing my vital organs.
my hands were stiff one at my side one clutching my phone.
it felt like my spine had eaten my heart and coldness was everywhere.
anticipation.
sixth ring.
his hands touching you.
waiting.
vomit.
youve gone to voicemail.
who tells someone something like that at a football game?
cheater.


i dont know why i lied to her.