i would be dead by now without it

So I can't go the distance
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away

fear is the worst of it all i guess?

im afraid ill go back down

but worse

im afraid im going back down regardless.

do i just trap myself with my own fear?

and i go back down because i think i will..

or is it just me

i still do believe that something is wrong

and i dont want to fix it.

because

i am afraid it would make me not an artist anymore.

even the most awful shit makes me feel alive

and even when im manic

in a manic panic

i love it.

i need someone who understands that.

i need that a lot.

i dont need a soft voice

and a pen and paper

and i dont need

brochures

and prescriptions.

i need a better way

to fake at existing

in this world of the normals.

because im not one of them.

and im suffocating.

i dont know what to do

because something

is wrong

in my head and

i love it.

theres no shame in being crazy.

i think i might be.

son of sam + camille claudel = humans i'm too deeply fascinated by

(shes scared of me, i wont tell her the secret again)

"There are other Sons out there, God help the world." gives me shivers

i feel like the walls of my brain are covered in a slick slime of the dirty secret i can feel inside.

i dont want to be bad.

she has 4.

i need one.

i dont feel dead.

im not afraid of death

i cant prepare for death anymore than i already have.

i am afraid of everything

everyone human is still afraid of death

we arent anything but animals.

i feel sick.

i feel happy.

i feel feelings.

(^this is all b.s., you know)

Basically, I wish that you loved me

no one

posts

anything

anymore

and

its depressing.

I'm not in love
I just wanna be touched

my nightmares take me apart

just to let me know

that i should tell you

everything i hate to show.

words i cant say out loud

im pathetic, but still proud.

i can only feel hate for you

and for the you in me too.

ive never wanted to hurt anyone so bad

as i did last night

to see you bleed

would give me such delight.

and they made a comment

i simply couldnt bear

and i lost it

right then and there

i screamed it all

you watched me fall

i tore my heart right open

and looked up at you,

tragic and broken.

you laughed in my face

it was so real

you'll never know

the insanity you made me feel.

that was the most honest

my dreams have ever been

no victory

no playing pretend.

they took me away

like camille claudel

the sound of your laughter

drowned out everything i tried to yell

it was the hardest thing

to wake up to

because it was

so true.

and now.

i dont know what to do.

because i know

i have to tell you.

style and honesty

have you ever had so much feeling bursting out of you that you cant even begin to express it?

i feel that way!

its beautiful.

i want to paint the world with it

but i cant even know how to start!

im crying

your mind is amazing if you give it a chance to think

your mind can make you feel pretty amazing

i feel pretty amazing

im pretty amazing

i wish you could see this

and i dont know how to make you see!

have you ever felt like this?

have you ever felt this much?

the best thing about life is that you learn how to feel more and more

i feel superior

i feel young

i feel like few understand me

i feel involved

i feel perfect

i feel beautiful

i feel like an ARTIST.

how could you not?!

have you opened your eyes?

have you looked around?

eveR?

get excited about little things!

the world is chocolate for eating!

feel good for the hell of it

move your body!

have you even thought about it!

LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING BODY.

and remember the miracle.

touch everything

smell every smell

LEARN TO FUCKING LOVE THINGS

feel it all.

feel.

go look at someone crying

and think GOD DAMN SHES BEAUTIFUl

love someone.

i love you.

someone in this damn world loves you

remember it.

be proud of everything youve said.

because it doesnt matter.

nothing matters.

thats the beautiful part.

do something that makes you happy and fuck the rest.

lay on the fucking ground and feel the carpet on your skin.

FUCKING TOUCH IT

nothing is alright.

its too late for everything.

nothing is perfect

but its all ok.

why dont other people get excited like i do sometimes?

dont you feel good sometimes?

so good you need to move?

so good you scream?

dont you ever laugh and cant stop?

dont you feel so good you have to leave?

you cant even bear it?

have i become completely insanse?

i wouldnt doubt it.

but if you feel like that too

let me know.

im not alone.

S E X

is all i think about. most of the time.

tide

i am sad all the sudden.

uhhhohhh

i know that feeling

i dont like that feeling.

you said the sun would keep the world at bay for me

by high tides will come and go as they please

for it is the moon my dear

that orchestrates the music of this pier.

and you said that green grass would make it all much better

then why, my bear, are my eyes much wetter?

and will bright summer stars at night

really keep the evening bright?

or will it all fall down my dear

like dark storm clouds on this pier?

the light house lamp cuts right through

a light so bright, but is it true?

for the light cant know when the storm will come

oh my dear, the storms already begun!

it tosses a pirates ship way out at sea

look my bear, the storms flooded me!

way out in the morning you hear the sweet call

of the sailors on deck as they recall

red sky at night, sailors delight

red sky in morning, sailors take warning.

so what color is the sky dear, id really like to know

and how much of a warning will my sky show?

because id rather not live this summer in fear

but the air is so still and the water so clear.

almost too certain, something you know

the like sounds of the morning or the caw of a crow

almost stands out, for something so routine

almost feels dirty, for something so clean.

i almost loved you, though you fill me with hate

i was almost yours, almost took the bait

i am almost sad, but im so happy though

i am almost as bright as the blackest crow.

i dont blog too much, yall just dont blog enough

i wish i could tell you how cool i think you are
but youve heard that enough
i wish i didnt lie to you
i know this will be rough
i wish i could tell you how beautiful you are
but you wouldnt understand
i wish you didnt take anything from me
but the hold of my hand
i wont tell you how i feel
because i dont want to know
dont leave me on a thread
baby, please dont go
dont sing me to sleep
because i wont wake up
i drink up your voice
dear, i said it was rough
you hurt me so
before youve even tried
youve declared no war
yet ill protect my pride
i dont want nothing from you
but the hold of your hand
kiss my scars softly baby
do you understand?

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYYAY STREP!!

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

there are so many things

things

things

id like to tell you

how nice you look

how nice you feel

your very nice

are you real?

i wish you looked at me

the way i wish i could look at you

i wish i knew what to do

i wish i could ignore you

and i wish that you would talk

to me first

and we could go on another walk.

i wish you cared

about my dreams

i wish i could give you things

id never release

i wish i was better

and you were over her

maybe im the sky

and you could be the bird

you could tell me your secrets

and sing me your songs

i wish i didnt care

and that i didnt long

for you the way i do

but thats just my style

even if i know

youll hurt me in a while

never touch the flame twice

but you are just so nice

im not sad

just so you know

i am ok

ill go with the flow

but there are things i wish

wish theyd come true

and most of them

involving me and you

i dont love you

and i never will

but i dont want to be immobile

just being still

youve got the green light

if youd like to go

i think your real nice

so just let me know

peeing myself until further notice

remember that time tom was a badass?

i do.

it was RADICAL.

i went to sleep happy

i woke up happy

your tan

your pretty

you make me smile

you make me giddy

you are a danger

you are disease

dont hurt me

dont kill me please.

dont believe me

if i say i have a plan

this is messed up

before it even began

ill do it anyway

because i like it

and i like to get hurt

i will never learn

just revert

back to stupid

stupid and happy

before it all goes down

and everything is crappy

i like the pain

and inspiration

i like the hurt

my own creation.

im the best ive ever been

and im happy now

i dont know why

and i dont know how

because of my mind?

and the tricks it plays?

a matter of time,

a matter of days.

i dont mind

i like it all

i dont care

whether i fly or fall.

it was a bangin weekend

i wish i wrote this

i will never be free

but i will smile.

i will never live here

but i might stay a while.

i will never have faith

but i might pray.

i will never be perfect

but i am ok.

i will never look at you

in the same light.

i will never lose

i will never fight.

i will never know

i will always care

it will always be bittersweet

that you were never there.

i live alone now

in my own sort of way

and i never know what's fake

and what will stay

i have no leads to take

and no signs to read

i have to tears to cry

and no blood to bleed

i have no part to play

and no song to sing

i have nothing to say

and ive lost the ring.

i am happy on my own

minus the feeling

i like the empty

looking up at the ceiling.

i like the fact

that the demons are away

and i dont need you

to keep them at bay.

i dont remember how i was

but i keep it in mind

because i usually feel

like its a matter of time

until i come down

and remember my illness

when the sun is gone

and the world goes to stillness

im always afraid

though thats no way to live

but i want to try

and i want to give

because i am good

whether i like it or not

and ill finish last

its the only choice ive got.

i realize now

that they dont understand

and i realize now

that ill do what i can

to make it easy on you

as i always will.

you drink the water,

ill bay the bill.

dont worry about it

because youve made me so much older

youve torn me down

so i can carry the boulder.

im happy now

making it through

im happy depressed

im happy blue

im happy happy

and im happy glad

im happy tired

and im happy sad.

im happy to be alive

im happy to live

im happy to breathe

and im happy to give

im happy for others

im happy for myself

im happy for pictures

and chocolate to melt

im happy for simplicity

and for self respect

im happy alone

but im happy to connect

im happy to speak

and to look at you

im happy i kept living

right on through.

im happy time passed

and the world kept turning

im happy with myself

and im happy im learning.

im happy for sun

and to go away

im happy to stand

and to be ok.

(my heart is still sad sometimes)

Well, she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me

oh?

your holding up traffic green means GO!

ilikeilikeilikeilikeilike
but i wont like.

im doing just fine, hour to hour, note to note.

oh to this weekend?!

dont turn me into a monster
i dont want to be mean
all i want
is to watch you bleed.

this is heaven to me

we walked and talked almost all evening.

it was colder than it looked and dusk was upon us.

you said this was your favorite time of day.

i took that in two ways.

the twilight with the lazy bugs and dusty sun set.

or the time spent with me.

we spotted a snail on our path.

it was a pristine green little thing.

it shrank right up when i touched it.

its innocent fear made me just about as joyful as a child in the snow.

we moved it from the path and you made a little bed for it out of leaves.

you played along with my excitement and i wanted to cry from gladness.

we walked along and didn't touch.

i could smell you in the breeze and i melted like lazy flowers on a hot day.

i breathed in and out and felt like i wanted to touch you.

i didn't and i just looked up at you instead.

i saw blonde mixed with dwindling sun.

i looked away though i wish i didn't have to.

we walked fast like we had somewhere to be but all the while we were just retracing our tracks.

we walked all around and i didn't notice the blisters until i got home.

i didn't want to go every time we passed my house.

i took all cues from you though and our time ended.

you left me in the driveway and that was the first time it had felt awkward.

i feel like i want more.

more sun.

more air.

more talk.

more walk.

more smell.

more touch.

more time.

“Love is the exchange of two fantasies and the contact of two skins.”

the car smelled faintly like propane and rubber.

his hands were dirty on the wheel and his shirt was sweat soaked.

i got in and noticed how little i liked the feel of the car upholstery.

i felt sticky and tense and unfocused.

i road the waves of air with my hand as we drove.

i noticed the force of air and the rush rush rush feeling on my skin.

i breathed in propane and pollen.

it was near dusk now and we didn't talk.

i felt the sun still hot on my legs and i thought about vitamin d.

the car stopped and was still.

i remembered life and awoke.

i hopped out and waved good bye.

the feeling on the door was not as cold as i expected.

i felt gravel on my toes and the air was cleaner here.

i tip toed through the grass and let it cool my feet.

i circled around the house as the sunlight diminished rapidly.

i saw you and felt my bag slide off my shoulder.

i liked the scratching feeling down my arm.

i hopped in the hammock with you.

a kind of waxy trampoline feel.

we didn't speak and you just let me in my place.

i though about the difference between your skin with clothes and without.

you stroked my arm.

i thought about how we were both feeling the same touch at the same time.

i thought about the comfort of touch.

i thought about the connection between two people through skin.

i thought about fingerprints and muscle memory.

i thought about heat and air and pressure.

i thought about movement and massage

i thought about bodies and wisdom.

"there is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy"