i wont let go of your hand

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?

this is the saddest song ive ever heard.

its a hard day.

i miss nicole.

its not fair.

ps. im sorry. i wish there was something i could do. my heart hurts for you. just come over, just call me. if you want. ill be here.

It rained all morning.

ps. keep your fork.

camel

do what you want.

its you're life.

i guess you're living it right.

the way you want.

maybe its time to get a little selfish.

cuz i don't really give a fuck about that anymore.

so sorry if I'm a bitch.

except that i have

no reason to be sorry

and I'm not

sorry.

don't worry, i doubt you'll even notice.

anyway, i never stick to the plan.

so it will be over before i start.

cuz i suck and have no motivation and i cant stand up for myself and i don't know what i want and i don't listen to myself or anyone else and i make bad choices and I'm pessimistic and guilty and gullible and retarded.

its ok.

i t s o k

w i t h me.

i think. th o u gh

i

t

doesn't m a t t e r m u c h anyway what

i

think.

a n y w a y.

its ok.

its going to be ok.

there isn't another

choice.

when.there.is.nothing. you. can.do.about.it.

its ok.

its ok.

maaaaaybe i should have happier blog posts (i bet you 5 bucks this will be emo by the end :p)

hmm lets see. i dont even know what to say today.

im kinda hyped for the turkey bash. and for christmas. my sisters.

yeah this is boring when im not emo.

but thats the blogging problem.

i cant just say erghwrjthogijwerog anything cuz its not a journal, its a blog.

its not just mine.

it will be ok.

cuz every night

no matter how bad my day was

when i lay down and give up

i can forgive myself for the day

you get that moment where none of it matters

every day

no matter what

it doesnt matter how much shit happened that day

or how much you fucked up

its always there when youve given up.

but thats the other blogging thing, i have a different take on it than journaling.

i feel like i can look at things a little less

heavily.

but thats why i still have my journal

for when i neeeeed to do this

not just cuz im bored.

i make no sense

too bad,

its my blog so fuck sense.

i do feel bad.

i know its not all cuz thats just how i am

i am sorry about that

in real life

even if i shouldnt be

weird weekend.

bad and good.

everything is kinda blending together.

it will seem like less after taylor and then xmas show are over.

right now its pretty crazy.

im worried about school a little.

or a lot.

i wanna drop APworld but i already paid for my test :/

i kinda dont feel like i need to as much anymore.

maybe i dont need to.

but then i saw that person

and i got scared.

cuz i dont want to feel like that.

i do though.

just a little.

but of corse i would never say it.

because i really like that person.

i think it will be fine.

a little more time.

Three's such a crowd
You ought to tell me what you tell yourself
You ever going to speak it aloud?
Do I have to guess like everyone else?

the worst parts almost over.

my hair is gross. im gonna have to wash it. picture day is tomorrow. FML

i try not to think about that.

i mean i know its not completely true.

but it feels like it.

all the time.

and its the saddest feeling.

but its ok.

it could be worse.

she doesnt even get that.

but its impossible.

you are the only one who is always with you.

and when you cant stand yourself

for being so silly

and knowing yourself too well

and not knowing yourself at all

it gets hard.

guilt.

aaaaand blogging again

i think im addicted already. FML.

i wanna write a poem or something. i wrote one that i liked while i was at nysssa.

and i wrote another one when i got home.

i only like them because of their titles hahah.

ripping to resolution and inside out.

and my last blogpost was kinda an effed up poem.

i could just call it bad day.

woooow reading my journal is depressing me.

i love it though.

the whole thing is poems to me.

there is too much i dont understand.

no,

the problem

is that i know about it

but i dont understand yet.

cuz then its just like awful shock

until...

i dont know what until

i havent figured that out yet.

when you dont know anything

you are happy.

being strong scares me.

i feel like

being strong is not growing

its cementing

serious

its hard and bitter.

i would rather be weak and happy

than strong and stone.

buuuut its called growing up.

bad day

uh whaaaaaa.

no.

nononono.

toooooo muccccch.

not today.

not any day.

not ok.

wtf?

nope. nooot. o.k.

(im.not.even.talking.abouthat.)

but this part isnt fair!

why the fuck not?

i cant do this all on my own, no i know im no superman.

Just how much distance means we're on our own
And can we be happy, happy alone?

noooooo.

wait something is wrong.

whaaaat happened.

no. this is not ok. i dont agree. how is this good?

im notttt ok.

do not accept.

nope.

just no.

i cant do this.

a

l

o

n

e.

k.

what now.

bye

not ok.

ps. i love you though.

blogging for the sake of blogging

ooooooh to me blogging again.

julia always asks me how my day ways and i always say i dont remember.

i think it was pretty good.

sweaty.

good and sweaty.

i had a weird dream though.

but theres no way in hell im telling it to anyone here.

i cant really decide if it was good.

i think its a bad thing.

im gonna go crazy.

i have stress hivesssss

blah to life right now.

and oooooooooh to me dancing for 21 ish hours this week.

cray. cray.

tomorrow is friday.

what ever gets you through the day.

just gotta keep going.

it doesnt matter, you get through.

even when it seems like you wont.

whatever happens happens.

not as an excuse to make bad choices

but just sayin

life is happening

and its gonna keep happening no matter how much you freak out

or how hard you try

or whatever you do.

life is happening.

sometimes i feel like im missing it.

i feel like im looking at my life.

not living it.

i feel like

i dont know.

i get worried about when i get old and look back at myself.

what mistakes am i making?

blogging makes me wanna die.

i just took a billion depression quizzes online.

one said i was severely depressed.

one said i was possibly borderline.

one said i was 17% depressed.

and one said i had nothing to worry about.

questionable?

i hate homework.

blogging is weird. i don't like it.

i wanna write to postsecret. but i cant think of a really kickass secret.

well.

yeah i can.

bllaaaaaaah to that.

blogging is weird.

im breakin down and comin undone.

its a roller coaster kinda rush.

i hate having all these dang emotions if i cant even think of a good poem for them. its dumb. you are supposed to be all creative and flowy and blahblahblah.

but i cant.

i just get

stuck.

maybe ill make up a dance.

but i want to have people.

i miss nysssa.

i feel so unhealthy whenever I'm in health class.

it kinda bums me out.

then i go to art and cry about how artsy i wish i was.

this is kinda an emo post.

whateves.

tis alright because it will likely not be read.

he says you look beautiful tonight

an i feel perfectly fine.

ps. i didn't lie about it today.

but I'm worried i changed my mind.

this is for ray.

RAY MCANDREW IS THE COOLEST PERSON EVER.

happy now?

haha jk ray is not near as cool as me ;)

um. this is weird. i feel like i shouldnt blog. its awkward. whateves, ill try this for a hot sec.

so i think im gonna be a dead emma livry for halloween. she was a ballerina who refused to wear the more fire proof dresses and her dress caught on fire and she died from it like eight months later. while she was in the hospital she was talking about how she could have worn the safer costumes, but if she returned to dance she never would because they are "so ugly". hahah i love her.

we wear our scarves just like a noose...

i got a new coat today. its super cute. its like pea coat ish and its grey and i love it.

rummaging for answers in the pagesss.

i have a secret crush on jasmine barnes. i hope i see her tonight. what? im not a creep.

i dont understand.. im i just suposed to keep writing about random shit? hmm.. idk if i can handle blogging.

im bored. i wanna hang out with someonee.

k

bye.

right?