haven't laughed this hard in a long time, better stop now before i start crying.

i want to just immerse myself in all things good

i want to dance i want to sing

i want to write or try out my wings.

i want to put my heart towards something worth while

i want to try to make you smile.

i want to deal with what i couldnt before

i want to be better, i want to be more.

i want to want something other than that

i want to be more than everyones doormat.

i want to do all the things on this list

i want to, but heres the twist.

im afraid that im falling

falling once again

maybe the feeling

of the loss of a friend?

such a melancholy poison that ive tasted before

the sticky sweet candy of things ive come to adore

being taken away

as everything is.

life is only temporary,

but thats show biz.

the hardest part is learning

then all thats left is to endure.

because the disease is fatal, there is no cure.

the disease is life

and you catch it from birth.

the disease is life

its infected the earth.

the disease kills you

kills you till you die

the disease makes you wonder

why even try?

everyone suffers

year after year

theres no vice

but another beer.

at the end of the bottle

at the end of the day

do we value the disease

or wish it away?

so what keeps us living

day after day?

keeps our hearts beating

dare is say

its human instinct

the animal feat

keeps the blood flowing

returns every beat.

theres no big secret

no god to please

life is nothing

but the disease.

little monster

little monster little monster, wont you come out?

throw your tantrums, scream and shout.

little monster wont you let me see

all the things youve been doing to me?

its inside that you have deconstructed

my precious house, so carefully constructed.

its inside that you rampage

inside is your outrage.

stains of black eyes on sheets of white.

but every night before i sleep you tell me its alright.

tripping over my organs

poisoning my blood

you stomp on my heart

misplacing every thud.

i fall asleep to find

bad dreams in my mind

my mind is your stage,

another rampage.

you try out your acting

my body reacting

nails in motion

body convulsions

the pain in my scalp

as it cries out for help

from my hands as they pull

trying to make the pain dull.

the only sound i hear

is the screaming in my ear

till i wake up to find

that screamings all mine.

in the dark by myself

i turn to the mirror for help

look in my eyes

sing me to sleep

make me believe

my dreams wont repeat

turn over the pillow

turn out the light

take a deep breath

wish me goodnight.

hey, hey, whada ya know. i wanna be yr friend and this is how it goes. you say i hi and i say hello!

love my love my love i love you.

and im confused by the things you say.

but love, i love you.

and i find that its ok.

i find that were all broken

and all tangled up inside.

but im happy to escape

we shouldnt have to abide.

but things take time

and i know that its true.

if anyone knows, i think its me and you.

i think weve got our share of secrets

secrets to tell

and secrets not our own

and that part is hell.

and i think everything is different,

bigger than ourselves

but only time will tell

do we need help?

and we shared our secret

our secret on that regard.

and i know that sounds crazy

but i know that its hard.

and im not trying to compare

a rabbit to a hare

im not trying to say

that boxing is like ballet

but you and me

we might just be

on the same page

in a different book.

________________________________

i feel like many things i said id never be

i feel like the monster im creating is me.

sometimes when i look at my face

someone else is in its place.

but then i realize

those are in fact my own eyes

in a face much different than mine

in a face worn out by time.

and i think to myself

no, it cant be

that face in the mirror,

thats not me.

rymez bitchez

the tables are turning in the best and worst of ways.

is this combination lethal, or is it just a phase?

should i be afraid, should i brace myself?

im tired of looking down, i dont want to erase myself.

but im scared, i am, and why shouldnt i be?

shouldnt i be scared of all the things youll do to me?

but the truth is now, i think youve done your worst.

is the truth that now, that the roles are reversed?

ill never shut up about everything inside

i couldnt keep together even if i tried.

everything sucks, everything is great.

i cant move forward, i cant wait.

i want to do nothing, i want to dance.

i want to lay in the rut, i want to advance.

i want to figure it out, but i dont know how

i want to be better than you made me, i want to be mean

but ill keep that inside, ill let it gleam

through my teeth, through my smile,

through my eyes, through my style.

i wanna be pretty, i want to stay thin.

i want to finish this race, i want to begin.

i want to be loved, i want to be alone.

i wanna go far away, and feel like home.

i want to be done, done with this rhyme

im out of words and im out of time

so to sum things up, i want to be

everything that you wernt to me.

my life will be great, im sure that it will

il get over this mountain, this mountain of a molehill.

im a rapper

i dont know why

it is just falling off my skin lately

the best feeling

my body is too tired, too sore

but my heart wont let me stop.

my body worn and exhausted

but i want nothing but class.

i want to plie over and over

again and again

drill drill drill

its got me hooked.

somethings got me hooked

i love the pain.

i love getting it

i love sweating

i love trying

and smiling

i love messing up and laughing about it.

all i have to do tomorrow is dance and eat.

:]

iiiiiiiiiii

dont know why that hurt so much.

it did.

which i didnt expect or understand.

its not like im on my own sitting here being lame.

except that i am..

hurthurthurthurthurthurthurt

But I don't care if I fuck up
I'm going on a date
With a rich white lady
Ain't life great?
Give me one good reason not to do it
(Because we love you)
So do it

i just cant wait.

for someone to like me.

so simple.

its going to be great when someone wants to be around me as much as i want to be around them.

its going to be great when i dont have to keep driving down fucking one way streets.

its funny, i say im sick of receiving, i want to give

but thats total bullshit.

because sometimes i really dont receive.

i still give, but whats the point?

im sick of these one way streets.

my dad started drinking again :(

he wasnt going to until his birthday.

his birthday is in march.

i dont blame him, thats a ridiculous goal.

but i wish he had made it.

teach me how to play piano.

13 hour freedom

sometimes i feel good.

i like dance.

i like it a lot.

i feel good when i do it.

i feel free.

i think maybe i belong here.

i think

sometimes i feel good.

and sometimes i think about everything thats wrong

and i just laugh.

because its so silly that things are all wrong

and at the same time

not so bad.

and sometimes i just sit around laughing with you

and sometimes things work out better than expected

and sometimes you realize you didnt to anything wrong

and sometimes you feel good.

sometimes you just dance. even when yr stomach hurts and you had three tests and you saw the person you hate and everyone else looked really cute on the day you decided to rock sweats.

but you just do it anyway

and sometimes it sucks and you wanna cry

and someone makes a joke and you smile a little

and you think

fuck it

be free.

i get to be free for 13 hours a week

and even if you cant feel that

you make it through

no matter how much it sucks

it will all be over in an hour or two.

and sometimes you remember something that makes yr heart drop. or all the time. you do.

but really it will be ok.

because sometimes you are tired of being that annoying stupid girl who doesnt know anything.

and i see some girls now

and honestly

(this sounds real bad)

i just think something bad will/should happen to them

to make them grow up.

to make them shut up.

to make them learn a little.

and fuck up a little.

and loose a little.

because sometimes you go through a lot of crap.

and some people and some of yrself

isnt there when you get out.

and i dont know,

do you really gain anything?

maybe just the worth of whats left?

i dont want to fall asleep again.

im so happy for everyone that was still around when i woke up.

but i dont want to do that to them again.

and im sick of receiving

and i wanna give

i feel so guilty for falling asleep.

and then telling every soul my dreams.

no one gives a shit.

sometimes its ok not to let them out.

thats always been weird to me.

not let things out!?

what?

but i think now im starting to maybe build myself back up again inside.

and i think ill build some shelves for my dreams.

and i think ill be ok.

even on a cracked foundation

ill be ok.

as long as no more big twisters come and tear it town.

i couldnt handle that.

Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.

i want yr love, i dont wanna be friends!!

shits been goin down.

it was hell to sit there for 5 hours wanting to die.

i wish you knew.

but it was hell.

i wanted to leave.

i almost did but i didnt have an excuse.

ive felt sick since tuesday.

and now i cant tell people they are wrong.

i cant say they are lying.

and maybe i made a bad choice.

but i doubt it will happen again.

it wasnt the same and i didnt feel it.

i just thought about where id rather be.

but you have no room for me.

now im worried.

everythings going to be weird.

and i dont want it to be weird.

and i shouldnt have nodded my head.

i shouldve went home.

but whats done is done.

at least now i dont have to guess.

i will never stop wishing the same thing(s) over and over.

i wish i wanted something else.

but i had it and i didnt want it.

thats such a let down.

that it wont ever be the same.

hahahahah

my parents told me they are going to get me a car..

i got upset.

hah.

of corse i should be excited.

but i just feel so spoiled.

i dont want them to be doing things like that just to try to fill the hole where my family was.

its not fair.

but i guess after i thought about it i was happy.

i wont need them for anything anymore except money.

if it wasnt for dance...

dance is the reason im still here.

if i didnt need money from them to dance who the hell knows where i would be living or what i would be doing.

if travis was still here i wouldnt be in school.

thank god for dance.

Im a real big fan of yours, but im quite the joke to you.

HA!

good one.

oh.

the price of sugar is rising

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

so.

annoying.

im going to shoot the kids.

or the bears.

or whoever is responsible.

gr!

i hate thisssss.

schools stupid

i wanna dance.

dance.

shake it up baby now, shake it up baby

I MUST LEARN THE SINGLE LADIES DANCE.

I SWEAR I WILL DO IT.

me and colie are going big fake gaudy ring shopping to swear off guys.

thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat might not work out so well...

what she dont know dont hurt her.

(i do believe that saying is bullshit)

'step it up, i wont wait around forever'

why do you think i wont wait around forever...........(for you)?

i have the perfect solution...

stupid.

i will never sing that song.

i will never write those lyrics here for you.

(for you)

yet somehow i feel better.

maybe nothing happened.

maybe i lied about progression.

but who really cares?

i dont feel quite so bad.

mostly.

maybe just cuz im so

over it.

its kinda a joke to me now.

its not some big masochistic mess

and its not my way of slitting my own wrists. (anymore)

its just

what it is

plain and simple.

maybe someday the shit will fade. (for me)

but i doubt ill ever totally win. (you will)

for now. though

i will just let it flow.

stop worrying so much

(ish)

pants to yr knees

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

:]

im alright with that.

whatim not alright with.
isssssssss the lack of effort here!
come onnnnn.
im not looking to train a puppy.
ive got a busy schedule here.

ive already forgotten about this weekend.
i compared and contrasted
and i feel the difference
:/
i wish i didnt.

bahabhabhabah.
i need to straighten things out.
or.... not.
hah!

oh jason are you still waiting?

gggaaaah a lot of things

• that was weird. weird stuff happens sometimes

• stop being lame!

• i might give up on you

unless you make more of an effort

• i guess im giving you a chance

i made you a pb&j

• sorry.

i hate myself for being depressed and ruining everything

Inspired by you

i want to D A N C E!!!

i want to drum.

i want to sing!

i want to strum.

i want to run.

i want to scream.

i want to smile,

i want to beam!

this could be one of those nights

i spend up late

making up dances and free forming in the kitchen

wishing i had more space

loving being alone

making up sounds

but trying to be quiet

forgetting who i am

in the bestest of ways.

hoping no one can see me through the windows.

I won't like talk to you like that

i dont knowww

whaza going on.

but i think im doin alright.

i dont feel so bad.

when im not alone.

or when its daytime.

or when im dancing

or blasting music or thinking boucha

but idk who im thinkin bout.

kinda a jumble of shit and made up marshmallows and forgetmenots.

quite a similar feeling.

its like something snaps you back into life.

like suddenly you realize something.

i hate hate hate that feeling.

but its alllll the time.

because my world is made up of things that spark it.

sometimes its hard to just sit by and wait for it to go away.

or for whatever caused it to go away.

and they wonder why i spend my weekends in bed.

some

times

you

just want to be

alone

and feel like shit

for a long

time.

and

you know what

doesnt help?

people

getting mad at you

for it.

(when you

are already mad

enough at yrself.)

and telling you

that

you

need

to do

homework.

and clean a bunch

of shit.

and that you MUST.

be happy.

and talk

and you MUSTNT

sleep.

and you MUST

eat.

because you are anorexic.

and you look sickly.

and you MUST,

tell us what boy broke yr heart.

and what friend you bitch faught with.

because you are not aloud

to feel like shit

with no BIG

reason.

and it MUSNT

be us.

and our constant punishment.

and everything we do

to fuck

with you.

OR.

the mere struggle

to make yr life work.

especially when you realized.

its all fucking bullshit

and you cant win

theres no goal

and you get royally screwed

no matter

what

you

try

to

do

about it.

so, to sum

up

go fuck yrself.

ps. tellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellme

I'm happy knowing that you are mine The grass is greener on the other side

i think im gonna feel a lot better.

and i think its all going to work out.

and i dont know what will happen with you

and me

but i hope it will be good.

i think im rushing.

and i think i dont want to wait.

but i dont wanna fuck it up.

and i dont wanna fuck you up.

and i dont want to make anymore mistakes.

i dont think im going to go back.

i dont think im going anywhere else either.

i know why im fucked up.

i dont need to tell the same stories over and over so someone can tell me what i already know.

i dont need to feel that feeling ive learned A LOT about this year.

"i have to tell you something"

i hate this story and i hate telling it sometimes.

i dont need to "talk"

i know everything i need to do to make myself better, i just havent done it.

so if yr not going to give me drugs or anything

i dont think it does any help to go back.

YOU NEED TO BACK OFF.

YR MAKING ME WANT TO SLIT MY WRISTS.

STOP.

kthanksbye.

i still think about you every day.

thaaaats not ok with me.

please leave.

and yr dumb sibling has to be around reminding me of you.

lameeee.

i wish i knew

i had some good dreams.

i broke yr fucking house and yr stairs. it was fun but i could have died.

i smacked you and bitched you out in front of everyone. then i stormed out and waited in the snow for someone to bring me my shit and i called denny and made him come get me.

idk what you did.

i think you went somewhere or just acted like nothing happened.

i said some great stuff i wish i remembered.

i think she gave be a high five.

im so close to blowing up.

i guess im close to giving up on wishing you cared.

i know you dont so i wont make you.

broken dishes.

im all fucked up because of everyone i let in.

im not afraid of you though.

for some reason i think i trust you.

maybe because its pretty far fetched that im going to fall for you.

just dont leave me please.

it kinda sucks

its like the person who could make me better

i cant have because im fucked up and i dont wanna fuck them up.

so basically in order to stop being fucked up i have to be with someone

but in order to be with someone they have to be fucked up

so then im just fucking myself up more by being with someone fucked up

get it?

it was a weird day.

and i dont wanna talk about it.

not in a bad way.

i just dont.

1

had a sub or watched a movie in most of my classes

2

wore a cute skirt

3

got a richard hug or two. and a joe hug.

__________________________________________

1

left my phone at home

2

got attacked by a spider

3

found a black spot on my arm

4

2nd block

5

agonizing lunch

6

nystea

7

late

8

creepin??

damn. i liked it better when i couldnt remember what happened today.

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

shits goin down.

i didnt know how else to explain myself

so i just said

its really coming down now

everything is really coming down to the end now.

you freaked out

you told me

stop

that i was scaring you.

but it might not be so bad.

it was kind of a relief.

nothing can get worse

i think im at the bottom now.

submission

i think its worst.

somehow that sounds good.

i dont know why.

i dont know what im going to do.

but i think its gonna be ok.

i know hes there.

thank god for that boy.

im like giddy about it.

im like a little girl.

im already way ahead of myself

but i dont think he can handle my crazy.

at least not yet.

hes pretty happy.

i dont wanna ruin him.

poor thing.

i love him.

hahaha

its ok

___________________________________________________

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

im scared.

im really really scared.

i dont feel like i did last night

now the fear is just making me want to push more

in the wrong direction.

now i feel shameful and embaresed and challenged and alone

and scared.

and i know now im not getting anything from you.

i just wish denny would come home.

i bet ill be back

cant talk.

so frustrated with myself.

and im gonna go make it worse.

i wish i could turn my eyes off.

I went back and wished I hadn't. I went back and felt regret

i didnt stop holding my breath

even now.

the time they give you.

hook you up to an oxygen mask

i still held it because i was afraid.

i will continue to do so

i dont know when it will be safe to breath a little.

suuuuuuchhhh a long way away

the cold day in july.

but it seems so close.

i keep feeling like im trying to get ready.

prepare

but i dont know what for.

im already doubting myself and im already doubting you.

"ill write, ill sing, telegraph, telegram, telephone, im tellin you"

i dont believe you.

its ok, dienu.

"you once talked to me about love"

i understand.

im glad you do things like that.

i do it all the time

i dont learn from any of my mistakes.

i dont think i even like being happy

or else i would let myself be.

i just hopehopehopehope you never do that to me.

im just going to go away.

youll never catch me.

just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated

thanks today!

:D

just sayin.

id love to text julia.

BUT MY PHONE IS BROKEN. GOD DAMNIT.

i want to cry.

taste

im a bad liar.

but good enough

im afraid to feel good.

the anticipation of shit it kills me.

i love sneaking out. thats a bad thing. very bad. i should stop being bad.

hear. heard.

worry, silly, do, done, normal, silly.

walls.

i love telling people everything.

everything about me.

thats not good.

remember how that screwed me over?

i do.

i like this.