You'll be okay, anyway. And I smiled cuz I'd known it all the while

im not really into that whole "new year, new me" shit.
its kinda a one day at a time approach for me.
or rather, one moment at a time?


of course there is things i want from this year.
but wishing for them isnt going to get them.


i dont really want to get my hopes up for anything to happen.
this year was pretty shitty. but 2009 may have been worse.


im generally pretty happy. im not thriving, but i have a handle on my life.
the cycle of having really bad things happen immediately following really good things is still going strong.


my hair is in a good place.


i really really love some of my friends.
i mostly hate everyone hahaha. except the people that i love. its not okay.


i can remember everything without pain. but i still cannot listen to that song. i will never be able to.


i am both scared and excited for everything that is coming.
im about to turn 17 and that seems really old. like. wayyy to old compared to all i havent accomplished.
i want to be famous.


thinking about things like this summer and college, getting a job getting a licence and getting a car, trying to accept new people, trying to figure out why im not happy about the places i live, trying to let people figure out things for themselves, thinking about creative collaboration, thinking about creating, thinking about SATs and regents, thinking about june, about visiting new york, auditions and decisions, thinking about sexuality, about sex in an objective way, detaching feelings and facts, thinking about food and wanting to be thinner looking and also how absurd that notion is, feeling bad for wanting glamour, wanting to be in love.


trying to be like brooke in life
trying to be like bridget in dance
always acting like julia
always wanting to spend time with carina
always being jealous of marissa
wishing i had the work ethic of lauren
wishing everyone found me as funny as nina does.


its okay to be whoever you are. its okay to like the music on the radio. its okay to want to make out with people other people dont find attractive. its okay to be a dog person. its okay to be really into beef jerky. its okay if yr on bc for no reason. its okay if something normal was traumatizing. its okay to have mixed sexuality. its okay if you just want to experience things in yr head. its okay to have anxiety about things like ordering food and spaces youve never been in. its okay to need a game plan. its okay to throw the game plan out the window. its okay to love the way you look completely but sometimes wish you were different. its okay to think a lot of different things in your head that you dont say. its okay if yr not up on all the music you like. its okay to only listen to a few songs. its okay if you believe in things other people dont. its okay if youre the only one laughing at yr joke. its okay to feel any way you want and be honest about it. its okay to cut people out. its okay to do what you gotta do. its okay to not like people for no reason. its okay to not talk about things that make you upset. its okay if you dont cry anymore. its okay to change yr mind. its okay if yr love is just for yourself.