NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU.




i dont know why i lied to her.
i used to lie to her all the time.
id lie about everything. littlle things. anything.
only to her.
to hear it made her awful sad.
she used to believe me and thats when it was good.
lies get that way.
that way things do.
things get fucked. and someone needs to fix it.
she was so sad.
she always found out.
i dont know why i lied to her.


hospial bed was the most comfortable place for her.
hospital gowns always looked best on her.
she prefered everything white.
because white doesnt lie to her.
white walls white sheets white light.
white is white in day or night.
white is just white.
white was alright.
i didnt like visiting her because she looked thin and safe.
she lived there and she was comfortable.
she was not okay but she was not sick.
when she was told to leave she stopped eating. so she stayed.


and now know how she felt.
this was years ago.
when i was a kid and she was a chance.
and now i understand.


i threw up.
at the football game.
i was lucky, the team had just scored.
the fans were screaming and everyone was clapping.
there was a band playing as i leaned over the trash can.
thank god i made it.
it was a strange feeling having everyone cheering while you vomit.
it made it many times less notacable though.
for a split second before i bolted down the bleachers i didnt know what to do.
i didnt want to sit back down next to you, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and stupidly grin at you.
i imagined your face right before you got up and walked away from me.
so i bolted down the bleachers.
i sat under the stands where the kids smoke weed.
i was dry and alone and that seemed good.
you probably thought i went to the bathroom to continue the up chuck so that bought me some time.
i sat and thought about how much of an idiot i must have looked like.
i tried to formulate a plan of how i was going to return when i felt a vibration in my pocket.
call.
from you.
in a moment like that something like the send button doesnt seem all that trivial anymore.
did i even want to go back?
was it even worth it to leave the dry aloneness of the bleacher's underbelly?
the thought of you kissing him almost made me puke again.
dry.
alone.
right now that sounded better.
all these thoughts in a matter of two rings.
i stared down at you, the icon on my phone and imagined looking at myself in that moment.
the glow of light on my face, shoulders hunched over with my hands shaking, feet clearly soaked.
third ring.
i imagined you flashing your smile as you walked out like you were proud of what youd done.
fourth ring.
nineteen seconds.
twenty four seconds.
thirty seconds.
fifth ring.
i looked down at my feet.
clearly soaked and i immediately felt an overwhelming sense of coldness.
it felt like my spine had turned into ice and was now folding in on itself slashing my vital organs.
my hands were stiff one at my side one clutching my phone.
it felt like my spine had eaten my heart and coldness was everywhere.
anticipation.
sixth ring.
his hands touching you.
waiting.
vomit.
youve gone to voicemail.
who tells someone something like that at a football game?
cheater.


i dont know why i lied to her.